Sorry I missed you last week. I was too busy taking my laughing yoga class. Good times.
Some other quick thoughts on last week before I get into this week.
What was up with Joey dressed as Mr. LepreClean last week? It sucks that they danced so late in the show. How did he make it in time to be the mascot at the Notre Dame game on Saturday night?
So I have a theory: America hates Willa Ford. She hasn’t been that bad in either of her performances, yet both times has managed to find herself in the bottom three. I guess that’s the price you pay for being the, uh, Bad Girl of Pop. Or something.
Oh well. On to this week’s show.
Emmit Smith - Yawn. Emmit has been bringing it to this point, but tonight is not as good as the other performances. Perhaps the travel is getting to him. The judges don’t really dig it either. 19. Yikes. This is not good.
Monique Coleman - Okay, seriously. Is there a hornier pro dancer in the bunch than Louis? All of his stuff with Lisa last season? Playing with Monique’s tassels before the peformance? You’re naughty, Louis. No matter. Good thing Big Momma is here to watch the practicing. And the performance. Wow! She just jumped off the stage! She was doing the Phoebe Run before she did it too. That looked like that hurt. I have to give it up. Monique is selling this dance. Whoops! Did her skirt just fall down? I think we all saw some coin slot!!! The footwork isn’t awesome, but she’s not doing that bad either. The judges like it. 27!!! So does Big Momma. Hercules!!! Hercules!!!
Harry Hamlin - Harry is making up a dirty Argentinian fantasy to sell himself into doing a good tango. AG likes how he’s using his acting skills to help himself out. It’s like Team America. As for the performance, we have no idea. We don’t get the tango. AG and I are never sure what we’re supposed to be looking for. I don’t know if this was good or not. The judges are mixed. Bruno and Asian Paula didn’t dig it, but Len likes it. 22 out of 30 isn’t that bad. Ashly said she felt Harry’s passion tonight. I bet Lisa hopes she doesn’t feel it too much.
Willa Ford - Let’s see how Willa is going to piss off America tonight. She’s not pissing me off with her naughty USO girl outfit, that’s for sure. All kidding aside, this is a good performance tonight. I liked it. The judges are kinda mixed again. These scores suck. 22 points?! I thought this was a good performance. Did Bert say Willa and Max are falling for each other? Is this high school? AG thinks ABC is playing up the love interest angle to keep them in the competition. Interesting conspiracy theory.
Jerry Springer - Let’s face it: Jerry got the sympathy vote last week. He’s going for it again with this “I need to get to the waltz for my daughter’s wedding” angle. Nobody falls for that old trick. Once again, I have no idea what’s going on. I think this is pretty good, but I wouldn’t know a good tango if it kicked me in the cha-cha. The judges seemed to think it was so-so. 21 out of 30.
Sara Evans - Geez. When the judges said they want to see more of Sara’s personality, I’m not sure they meant they want to see her jugs. But that’s apparently what she’s going for. So much for family values, eh Mr. Delay? Despite the sexy get-up, this was super boring for me. She still looked stiff and unsure of herself. Apparently I’m crazy, because the judges love it. I guess sex really does sell. 25?!!! This is a sham. I wonder if this has anything to do with Sara being in the Disney commercial they showed tonight? Hmmm. Conspiracy theory, indeed.
Slater - I can’t stand Slater. I thought he should’ve been kicked out last week. Too bad his performance tonight was awesome. I don’t know if it was good tango, but I really liked it. Nice job, Slater. Uh-oh. I guess they pissed the judges off again. If I knew what the tango was all about maybe I would understand all the fuss. Let’s see how the scores come back. 22, but Len bringing the heat with a 6. Interesting.
Vivica A. Fox - Why does V have to learn ballet from a guy who doesn’t wear pants? Why is she not doing the jive like all the other chicks tonight? Why am I asking you these questions? This performance was kinda boring. I wasn’t loving it. Again, I have no idea what’s going on. The judges really dig it. 27?!!! I need to get a degree in tango-ology or something. Whatever.
Joey Lawrence - I’m liking Joey more and more each week. I’m always an Edyta fan. This was good stuff. I really dug this performance. Apparently they were going Slater though. The judges are pissed again. Hopefully this won’t hurt them too bad. I see Joey as having the goods to take it to the end. I immediately regret writing that last sentence. Now for the score: 22. Same as the Slater score, with Len dropping the 6 again. They should still make it through.
America Votes out: Even though I think she did good again, I still think it’s Willa. America can’t stand her.
I was amused to see that the Parents Television Council is peeved at NBC for editing references to God out of the kids show “VeggieTales”. This was the plum quote from PTC President L. Brent Bozell.
“What struck me and continues to strike me is the inanity of ripping the heart and soul out of a successful product and not thinking that there will be consequences to it,”
Gee, Mr. Bozell. What strikes me is the utter hypocrisy of your idiotic statement. So you’re saying that when the PTC manipulates the FCC to rip the heart and soul out of everything on television that you don’t agree with, that’s okay. But if the media decides to censor something that you do agree with, then it’s not okay? Â
Shut up, Mr. Bozell. Just shut up.
You and your fake organization make up 99.8% of the complaints to the FCC. Not only are you and your fake organization a drain on the American taxpayers, you are idiotic hypocrites.
The funny part is that I sympathize with you. If NBC bought the rights to put “VeggieTales” on the air, they knew what they were getting in to and should’ve aired the episodes without censoring the references to God.
The sad part is that there’s no way in hell you’d agree with me if the shoe were on the other foot. I guess censorship isn’t so great when it comes to something you believe in, is it?
You knew I couldn’t miss this, right? As usual, some brief stream-of-semi-conciousness thoughts from tonight’s first show of the season.
I’m disappointed to see that Bert is still here as co-host. She ov. er. e.nun. see. yates. ev. er. ee. thing. They really couldn’t find another shitty co-host for me to make fun of just to mix it up? Lame. On to the performances.
Joey Lawrence
Intro: WHOA!!! Is it no longer Joe Lawrence? I’m confused. Is Joey going bald? Okay, get ready to hear about how Joey danced on the Tonight Show when he was 7 about five million times this season.
Performance: It’s official. AG loves Joey. Quote: “He has a nice tooshy, don’t you think?” For the record: I totally do. This wasn’t too bad for the first week, despite Joe’s gas station attendent outfit.
Backstage with Bert: Joey is kinda Nervous Guy. He talks. A lot. AG thinks he might have ADHD. I think that stands for “A Damn Hellified Derriere“
Sara Evans
Intro: I’ve never heard of this chick. Sad story about her getting hit by a car. I think it’s cool she’s paired with Tony this year. You can tell I’ve been doing this too long when I can’t even make fun of him for being the world rhythm champ and telling us he’s a lion any more.
Performance: AG doesn’t dig Sara’s dress. She thinks it’s unflattering and I have to agree. This music is terrible too. Yawn. Super boring performance. Next.
Backstage with Bert: Wow. An insightful “How do you do it all?” question from Bert about how Sara juggles a music career, cares for her kids, and walks and chews gum at the same time. How original.
Tucker Carlson
Intro: Not to be biased from the get-go, but I can’t stand Tucker. Frat guy, much? The only time I’ve liked him on TV was when Jon Stewart was calling him a dick.
Performance: What’s up with him sitting on that chair? Is he at a strip club? Is this his bachelor party? Nice daring khakis with the white button-down shirt outfit. How crazy and wild. Worst. Performance. Ever. This was so bad. He barely did anything. The judges agree.
Backstage with Bert: “This rattled me more than Hizbollah.” Seriously? Please go away, Tucker.
Monique Coleman
Intro: Never heard of her. High School Musical? Never heard of it. I guess I suck. Ahhhh, Louis. You continue to say things that are awesome, such as: “I want to be the giver.” On his partner: “She’s young. She’s flexible.” Good times.
Performance: This is kinda cool. She’s a pretty good performer, so that should take her a little ways. Not quite the raw sex appeal of Louis and Lisa last year, but still pretty good.
Judges: Asian Paula said, “You overdanced it with your eyes.” Huh? Len says they lack chemistry. He wants Louis to take her out to dinner. He’s practically begging Louis to go to bed with her.
Emmit Smith
Intro: This could be interesting, given how Jerry Rice did so well last year. Of course this could also be a huge disaster. I kinda feel bad for Cheryl. I guess she drew the short straw after winning last year.
Performance: This is actually pretty good. Emmit looks like he’s having fun, though he’s a bit stiff. This was a lot like Jerry’s first performance last year, and Jerry ended up doing pretty well. The crowd definitely loves it. The judges REALLY love it.
Backstage with Bert: Emmit still sounds like he’s playing football. “I’m just glad that Cheryl did such a good job training me and I was able to go out there and do my thing.” Boring.
Willa Ford
Intro: Willa tells us she’s known as the “bad girl of pop”. I didn’t think she was the anything of pop. I thought she was the “chick who was in Playboy last month“ of pop.
Performance: I didn’t hate this performance, but AG didn’t love it. She thinks Willa was trying too hard. I think it wasn’t too bad.
Backstage with Bert: I think Willa has already hooked up with Maksim. What do you think?
Slater
Intro: You will never read his real name here. “The number one reason I’m doing the show is the money….err, my mother.” Slater actually does have ADHD. He’s super annoying. I like how his partner keeps screwing up normal English sayings: “You’re like the mouse inside the wheel.” “Len is going to have a field trip with you.” At least her name is Smirnov. I wonder if she knows Popov or Ron Bacardi?
Performance: Go, Slater! Go, Slater! This is actually really good. Probably the best performance of the night so far.
Judges: Did Bruno just ask Slater if he has “extra batteries in his pants”? I think Ali Landry would say that he does.
Shanna Moakler
Intro: “I was a competitive roller skater for 10 years, so I’m hoping that will help me.” Um, yeah.
Performance: Not to be an ass, but Shanna is sort of a big girl. Those must’ve been some sturdy roller skates. I’m just sayin’. They have some decent chemistry, but I was bored by thhe performance. It was a bit uneven in places, but not too bad overall.
Backstage with Bert: Okay, she’s getting divorced. We get it. You don’t have to keep asking about it, Bert.
Harry Hamlin
Intro: This could be interesting… or a trainwreck. One of the two. For the record, I’m glad they got a few “Clash of the Titans” references in. I can’t get enough fo those. I’m also glad that Ashly Del Grosso maybe doesn’t have to be with someone who sucks for a change.
Performance: Uh, I spoke too soon. This is not good. Harry is pretty wooden up there. The curse of Ashly continues. :(
Judges: Bruno is comparing Harry’s dance odyessy to his character killing the Kraken in “Clash”. That just rules. How often do you get to hear someone say, “I killed the Kraken, and I can do this too.”
Backstage with Bert: Poor Ashly. She just has that “I’m screwed” look on her face. Oh well. At least Tucker is going out ahead of you.
Vivica A. Fox
Intro: Why is she paired with Wayne Newton? Actually, I halfway remember him for one of the earlier seasons. She seems to have the right attitude. We’ll see if it translates into a good performance.
Performance: Not too bad. This had some fun to it, though it wasn’t the most complicated dance ever.
Judges: Bruno seems to have found his new girlfriend this season. He loves him some V.
Jerry Springer
Intro: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jerry’s partner Kym is HOT! +1 Aussie acccent. Good times.
Performance: I guess I need to enjoy Kym while she lasts. This was a fun performance, though I don’t know if the judges will love it.
Judges: They don’t hate it as much as we all hate Tucker. Jerry may be this year’s George Hamilton.
Overall it’s hard to tell how this season is going to play out. The first episode is always hard to judge.
America votes out: Tucker
