"You stay classy… Interwebs."
To all of you complaining about the glut of Dancing With The Stars stuff recently, please accept my peace offering of the best music video ever made. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Hat tip: JT.net [via The Republic of T, or as I now call it, The Most Radical Empire To All That Which Is Radical]
So here we are at the finale, I think. I thought the finale was on Thursday, but I’m not sure. I’m confused.
We start by meeting the stars all over again. Everybody gets to run out on the floor for a second and show off while the band plays “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. It reminds me of being at a wedding reception where the wedding party, already kinda drunk, is introduced to “Whoomp, There it Is.” Tatum looks like she’s high. Awesome. I think Lisa and Louis are doing it. I’m serious.
Now we’ve learned that there is still one dance left that is only judged by the professional judges. They just won’t let this thing die, will they? How much weight does this last score carry? Why did America bother to vote on Thursday if the judges can essentially do whatever they want at the end? Now of course, if this is the “let’s make sure Jerry doesn’t win and disgrace DWTS” fail-safe, then I’m cool with all of it.
And what would a reality show finale be without tons of useless filler.
I’ll wait again while we skip past this….
Finally, back to the (allegedly) final dances.
Jerry Rice - Nice intro. I’m excited. Jerry is all pumped up. I’m pumped up. Let’s see if they can back it up. Well, we’re getting a lot of Anna and not much Jerry. He’s kinda standing around a lot, but the performance was still pretty fun. The judges are being very complimentary. Truth be told, I’m very impressed with how far Jerry has come since the beginning. I still think Lisa and Louis would have been a better choice for the finals, but oh well. Maybe the FCC couldn’t stomach it. :) The scores are coming in…. 9s all around?!! I don’t think I agree with that at all. Those were supposed to be complimentary thanks-for-playing scores, like maybe a 9 and a few 8s. This could get interesting.
Stacy Keibler - The intro reminds us of how Stacy and Tony stunk it up in the freestyle on Thursday. We find out that Stacy is injured, but we don’t know how it happened. Strangely, AG is looking up at the ceiling and whistling while rolling her eyes. How odd. Now it’s time for some samba to “Livin’ La Vida Loca”. This is super fast. AG is not loving it, but I thought it was pretty good. The judges are giving up some mad, mad love to Stacy, but didn’t have much to say about the performance itself. After the break, we see that Stacy has regained her form. A perfect 30.
Drew Lachey - In the intro, things are not starting off well. Drew’s bright idea for the last day of practice is to go eat Mexican? How many good plans started off with “well, first we went to go eat some Mexican”? I’m nervous. Turns out it’s for no reason. THis is a great performance. A nice jive to “You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog”. Great tempo and energy, and a cool jump over Cheryl to end it all. Outstanding job, Sausage. How far you have come! Much love from the judges. Let’s hope they back it up with the scores.
Wow….they don’t. 27?!! AG has just declared shennanigans. The judges were praising Drew for taking chances each week and pushing the envelope, which he’s done, but they give Stacy a 30 for doing the same thing she’s been doing all along? Not cool. At least Drew is still in first place by one point.
Well, kids, it all comes down to this. A whole season of competition and a frenzied week of dancing all culminates here. At this point, there’s only one thing that could take the crowd to that final stage of nirvana. That’s right, dance fans…. Mary J. Blige signing while some people salsa. YEAH!!!!
I’ll wait a moment while we all bask in our underwhelmed-ness together. Mmmmm. Feel the, uh…. ordinary.
Now it’s time to kick somebody off as the show announces the third place celebrity. Who will it be?
It’s STACY!!!!
Holy crap. Please stay with me. It’s hard to type with AG doing cartwheels around the room and knocking stuff over. There’s a touching little tribute to….
…..
…sorry about that. AG knocked the laptop out of my hands doing the cabbage patch. My bad. Anyway, see ya later, Stacy. Call me. 
And now back to some filler. More snippets of the earlier celebs dancing with their partners for one last go around. Pretty ho hum stuff, though it is fun to be reminded of how purely dreadful Master P was. Good times.
We return from break to see a close-up shot of the DWTS Trophy. I had forgotten what an unmitigated turd that thing is. It’s a bowling trophy with a disco ball glued on top of it. Are they going to send this thing out to Joe’s Sporting Goods tomorrow to engrave the winner’s name on it? How can I find these things out?
After some more dancing from the also-rans and some mind-numbing Q&A, Bert informs us that when we come back we’ll be hearing “one of the greatest singers of all time”. You know, Mary J. Blige. Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhht.
It’s now 9:30. I’ve been sitting here for over 90 minutes and I just want to know who won. This is just being strung out WAYYYY to long. American Idol thinks this is taking a long time.
And finally….25 minutes later…. we.. get… to… the…. winner….
DREW!!! Hooray. I think America has made a good choice.
Thanks to all of you who read the recaps this season, with a special shout-out to the Hunters in Shelby for checking in every week. I appreciate it.
See you next time.
Before we get to the finals, a few comments on how we got here. First, props to AG for calling the demise of Lisa Rinna. That was sad to see, as I thought Lisa was building a Kelly Monaco-esque dark horse run to the finals. Second, what the hell is wrong with you, America? Jerry Rice? Come. On.
Oh well, you have plenty of time to think about what you’ve done, since apparently tonight’s final competition isn’t going to start until we suffer through three hours of recap. I guess it’s a good thing Jerry Rice is here, since this show is going to have a pregame as long as the Super Bowl.
I’m going to flip over to NBC and watch some scrub figure skaters until this works itself out out. I’ll be back in a little bit. Make yourself at home…
Hmm… I guess I’ll check back and see if things are moving along yet and - OH MY EYES!!!! It’s Bert…uh, “dancing”. And what are they doing to one of my favorite Prince songs?!!! NOOOO! Oh, the humanity. This was terrible. Was it me, or did she just kinda jump on his back? Bad times, Bert. Bad times.
I’m going to move along and pretend that never happened. Ever.
Anyway, after hearing everyone’s life story for a full freaking hour, the show is getting ready to start. On with the show…
Jerry Rice (Fox Trot) - So we’ve already discussed how Jerry has no business being in the finals. Apparently Jerry and Anna realize this also, since they threw a big freaking party for themselves as soon as they got the news. How does one get themselves invited to a party like this? How come no one called me?
This performance is actually pretty good, though I still think Lisa and Louis would have done better. Len likes it. AG thinks he’s rocking the reverse psychology on America tonight, since last week he blasted Jerry and he made it through. I tend to agreee. Jedi mind tricks, baby. Also, why does Anna look like a leprechaun tonight? A hottie leprechaun, but still.
Stacy Keibler (Jive) - This week we find Stacy coming off a round in which she took some rare criticism from the judges and yours truly. So she and Tony decide to mix it up and put in some dope lifts… except that Stacy can’t do them. Huh? Again, I don’t watch the WWE anymore but Stacy is a pro wrestler, right? I watched “Tough Enough” so I know how this stuff works. Don’t they teach you “getting thrown around” on like Day 1?
I’m wondering if Stacy is going to end up being a victim of her own success? This performance is really good, but I’m not really blown away by it. Of course the judges are loving it, particularly Bruno. Shocker. Why does everyone keep saying that they took risks with that performance? How? By doing the same dance they’ve already done before. 10s all around. The fix is on.
Drew Lachey (Paso Doble) - At least Drew and Cheryl deserved the party that they threw for themselves. +1 for Drew keeping it real on the Ohio tip as the Lachey family sends their congrats on tape from Cincy. Is that little kid Drew and Nick’s younger bro bro? He looks like he’s a sophomore in high school. I’m trying to decide if it would rule or suck to be in high school and the younger brother of Nick and Drew Lachey. I’m not sure where I come down on this.
I’m glad that they are doing this Thriller performance again. It was my favorite of the season. This one was even better than the first time they did it. Drew’s facial expressions were much better. You could tell that he wasn’t concentrating as much, and it came off much more natural. Nice job, sausage. 30s all around! Drew is on fire! Did he just jump on the couch? Damn. Settle down, dude.
Jerry Rice (freestyle) - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Love the afros. This is pretty cool. I’m digging the 70s vibe and all the cool tricks. Very fun performance. I would go so far as to call it DY-NO-MITE! This is easily my favorite Jerry performance of the season, and probably the most fun performance of the season by anyone. They did great with the lifts. I’m just glad Lisa didn’t hop out of the crowd and hit Jerry with a chair shot.
Stacy Keibler (freestyle) - The 70s continue with some “Saturday Night Fever”. It’s kinda boring here in the early going. Actually, it’s kinda boring the whole way around. They just did two lifts, and barely made the one at the end. The judges are seeing it too. There was just a lot of Hustle and not much else. I’m glad to see the scores reflect it. Even Stacy apologist Bruno has nothing for his girl. I don’t think I need to tell you what the mood is like on AG’s sofa right about now.
Drew Lachey (freestyle) - I keep waiting for Eminem’s “Lose Yourself“ to start playing. This is your moment, Drew. The door is open. You have to seize the moment, or something. This is an awesome performance. Fun. Great tricks. Good times. I think Drew just wrapped it up. The judges are eating it up. Did Bruno just say Drew will be in the “Brokeback Mountain” musical? Uh oh. Did Drew just insult the entire gay community by putting a cowboy hat on his ass? Oh boy. Well, there goes the homosexual vote. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.
America Votes Out: uhhh…no one? It sounds like there’s still one more dance on Sunday night that the judges will score, so I’m not sure what’s going on. As usual, I’m not smart.
See you Sunday.
Just some brief comments tonight, for reasons that will be explained later…
Stacy Keibler (Quick-Step) - How is it that Stacy is unable to be mean on command? Isn’t she in the WWE? This performance is good, but not super exciting. AG told me that she read Stacy has had 9 years of dance training. How is that fair for her to be on this show? Of course, this could just be a mis-information campaign from AG.
Jerry Rice (Tango) - I’m surprised that Jerry made it back this week. I figured after beating out George last week he’d have been kidnapped and stuffed in a case hidden behind the Hollywood sign. You don’t mess with the Hollywood mob. I’m not sure what to make of Jerry’s outfit. Is this Barbershop? This is super boring. Jerry has returned to “carry the beer” mode. I guess that’s appropriate since skanky Raider fan chick was there wearing her number 80 cocktail dress. Nice. The judges hate this. Me too. I do like how Jerry just promised that the rhumba will be “for the ladies”. That rules.
Lisa Rinna (Fox Trot) - This week’s “Lisa needs something different to help her prepare” saga takes us to her hometown in Oregon. On the way up, Louis asks if they are going to be practicing in a barn. It’s Oregon, Louis, not Ohio. I wonder if Louis got to see pictures of her old lips at her parents’ house. I’m not sure what to make of Lisa’s outfit. It’s like “I Dream of Jeannie” meets Elvis. Not good times. I liked this performance okay, but it didn’t see like there was much to it. AG agrees. The judges seem to be digging it. AG suspects that Lisa might be on the way out tonight. It’s possible.
Drew Lachey (Fox Trot) - How odd that Drew would go to ABC parent Disney for some blatant product placement…. err, “practice”. This is a fun performance. I think Drew and Cheryl really mesh well together personally, and it comes through on the dance floor. Very nice job. This is probably one of my favorite performances of the season. I’m not really down with the judges scoring this lower than Stacy’s performance. I thought this was much better.
Stacy Keibler (Cha Cha Cha) - This is kinda lame. I’m especially not digging the house singers trying to bring the Kelly Clarkson song. I’m bored. Of course, Stacy’s lover Bruno is eating it up. Ehhh. 28 from the judges?! I think the fix is in.
Jerry Rice (Rumba) - I’m somewhat skeeved out by this performance. Anna is really working the slow and sexy thing - which I dig - but Jerry just can’t match her. In fact, he’s not really doing much of anything. I feel like I’m at a strip club with Jerry. “Anna to the main stage!!! Anna…” I could’ve done without Jerry standing up to Len.
Lisa Rinna (?) - You can really tell that everyone is having a hard time with the second dance tonight. None of the second dances have been as good as the first, though Lisa’s has been the best so far. Still, I felt like I was watching a shag contest at the beach. The judges seem to like it. 27! Is there an upset in the works?
Drew Lachey (Rumba) - Are they dancing to “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? BWAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Now I can’t think of anything but the Dan Band at the wedding reception scene from “Old School”. This was a really good performance. I’m glad to see the judges are digging it…. well, at least everyone except that prude Len. :) 29! A great score for a great team. Maybe AG’s jedi mind tricks are working on me, but I’d really like to see the little sausage take home the gold…or trophy or whatever it is.
America Votes Out: Jerry. Sorry, dude.
Before we get into the commentary tonight, did anyone see this week’s “TV Guide” that slammed Bert for being just as vapid as last year’s Dunkelman? It seems that the DWTS producers read it. Bert is getting mad camera time tonight, and is totally overplaying it. She’s contorting her face like Jim Carrey trying to show us how damn interesting she can be. Whatever.
Jerry Rice - This week we find Jerry at the Super Bowl. We get to see his fans do the awkward “I can’t believe Jerry Rice is doing this to himself” face while still deciding that they probably want his autograph. Anna informs Jerry that he needs to cram a quarter up his ass to do this week’s dance. I thought he’d been doing that all along.
I don’t really like the Paso Doble. I don’t get the whole bull riding thing. This performance is no different. The cheezy costumes, the awkward movements. It’s like bad porn… or at least what I read bad porn is probably like for folks that are in to that. :)
The judges seem to actually dig the performance for once, though backstage things are still the same. Bert continues to make her eyeballs pop out of her head. Jerry continues to wear his boyfriend’s varsity ring on his necklace and subtly remind us that he used to play football. 23/30 from the judges.
Drew Lachey - In the open, Drew laments that the reason his shoulders always seem to be up is because he’s stumpy. Duh, I could’ve told you that. Sausage, anyone? Hello? Thankfully Cheryl gets Drew to move his chin a certain way and suddenly all is right with the world. Of course, I’m confused.
Nick shows up to Drew’s practice with Drew’s wife, who is apparently giving birth to a rhinocerous soon. After some not-so-witty banter that appears kind of staged - is Nick wearing make-up? - Drew is free to leave practice to watch the Super Bowl.
Tonight’s performance is really good, as usual. I can’t believe the house band is singing that Black Eyed Peas “Shut Up” song. Somewhere Fergie is hearing what her part is supposed to sound like for the first time. The judges are loving it, of course. 10s all around!
George Hamilton - George is getting some professional help with his moves this week from Season One champ, Alex Mazo. This is AG’s boyfriend. She repeatedly reminds me how much she likes the way he looks. I guess this is a just payback for my Stacy worship.
I really like this performance, especially all the shaking at the end. (Thanks, Edyta.) This was very entertaining, despite a lack of actual dancing. Les is keeping it real again, calling them out for not dancing. Did Les say they were flatulating? Decent scores from the judges, putting George in a tie with Jerry. Good for George, bad for Jerry.
Lisa Rinna - Another week, another dance that Lisa can’t master to the point that she cries. Of course, like every week, this problem is solved by hiring someone totally unrelated to dancing to make it all better. This time a 300-year old etiquette teacher shows Lisa how to sip tea with her freak lips, balance a book on her 80s hair, and get in and out of a carriage without upsetting her corset. I don’t get it.
AG thinks Lisa dances like a horse, so she’s convinced this quick step is going to be ultra-hilarious. She’s disappointed, as Lisa and Louis actually do a pretty good job. The judges seem to dig it too. So far Lisa is winning this season’s Kelly Monaco “Most Improved“ award. She gets better each week.
Stacy Keibler - So I’ve been waiting to see what’s going on under that overcoat since the show started. AG has been dreading it. Thinking that Stacy needs some motivation, Tony has the great idea to take her out to see what a bunch of horny guys think of their performance. Surprisingly, the army dudes who haven’t seen a woman in 14 months really really liked it. Strange.
This is another great performance. The “what’s underneath the overcoat“ mystery was worth the wait. AG is seething. She just informed me that “she’s going to have to fly out there and Tonya Harding her ass”. Her words, not mine. I think it’s time to hide the billy clubs. If any of you give AG Jeff Gillooly’s phone number, we can’t be friends anymore.
Group Dance - I wasn’t going to comment on this part because I couldn’t keep up with the one they did last week, but I really enjoyed this, especially the solos. I dug all the cool lifts and flips, especially the one that Lisa and Louis did. I thought Jerry and Anna did a nice job too. Not much of note from the judges afterwards. Of course Bruno took another opportunity to tell Stacy how awesome she is. Loser.
This season has shaped up to be a big improvement over the last. I think the dancing is much better. I could do without Bruno, who’s starting to get on my nerves a bit yelling at Asian Paula and hitting on my girlfriend, but overall I think it’s pretty entertaining.
America Votes Out: Jerry
So first of all, I have to give it up to Carolina tonight for playing a pretty inspired game against #2 Dook. Despite the loss, this team never gave up and never stopped trying, like many of their predecessors would have.
If you’re a Carolina fan, didn’t it make you kinda sick to see Sean May and Raymond Felton in the stands in their street clothes, that last year of eligibility crumpled up on the floor like last week’s coupon set from the Sunday paper? Sad times.
Jigga thinks I’ve been reading too much of ESPN 2’s Bill Simmons, and he’s right, but I kept having this fantasy during the second half of the game. I wanted it to get down to like two minutes left in the game, Carolina down by 7, things are looking grim, and then all of the sudden Busta Rhymes’ “Put Your Hand Where My Eyes Can See” starts pumping on the loud speaker during a timeout. Billy Packer turns to Tim Brando and says, “Why, that’s Sean May’s music!!!”
Meanwhile, Sean tears off his shirt to reveal the #42 jersey underneath, and steps on to the court. Sean reminds Sheldon Williams who his daddy is, and starts slamming guys heads into the backstop and knocking them out. Then Carolina reels off 12 unanswered points, and the Heels win the game by 5. Good times.
Oh well, that will be enough fantasy for the night. Congrats to the Heels on a well fought game. Hopefully you can build on what you learned tonight and pull off the upset in Cameron next month.
As usual, some observations about tonight’s show…
Sexiest show ever? I think they mean gayest male shirts ever. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Stacy Keibler - Nice intro. So did Tony take her to a Samba club or a strip club? I like how Stacy’s booty was tickling. Heh. Tickling. Haha. They’re playing “Bootylicious”? For stick-girl Stacy? Somewhere Destiny’s Child is laughing their asses off. Nice performance. Really nice performance. All 10s from the judges. Ashley just threw up a little bit in her mouth.
George Hamilton - This might be the last hoorah for GH and Edyta, who dropped some hardcore English in tonight’s intro. Nice job, E. I didn’t know you could string that many words together. Uh-oh. Miami Sound Machine’s “Conga”? Somewhere my old band teacher Dave Leapley is licking his television. This performance is pretty bad. I think he should’ve stuck with the props. But the judges seem to like it. 8s all around?! I’m starting to think they might be more scared of him than they were of Master P. Does GH run the Hollywood mob?
Lisa Rinna - The intro teaches us that Lisa is tired. Maybe it’s from lugging those boobs and lips around. Damn. She doesn’t look tired tonight. I really liked this performance, though Asian Paula didn’t. Bruno disagrees with Asian Paula. Did he just call her “Kamikaze”? How rude. Bruno shouldn’t denigrate Asian Paula’s contribution to the show by giving her a racist nickname. :)
Tia Carrere - AG doesn’t think this is going to go well, and I tend to agree. This is mildly entertaining, but not that great. Tia seems like she’s concentrating too hard. AG gives -1 for the corn rows. I kinda like it. The judges are getting pretty testy tonight. I think AP might punch Bruno out.
Jerry Rice - Jada Rice in the house to help loosen up dad Jerry’s dancing in the intro. I’m supressing all sorts of tasteless jokes right now. What is the deal with Anna’s dress tonight? When I was in 1st grade we had a birthday party at Showbiz Pizza (it’s like Chuck E. Cheese). Anyway, on the way home my friend John got sick in our car and threw up birthday cake all over the place. That’s pretty much what Anna’s dress looks like. Jerry seems like he’s feeling it tonight. He’s got the head bob going on and everything. A decent job. What’s up with the judges fighting tonight and then dropping scores that are like one point apart?
One more thing on Jerry. What’s up with wearing the Super Bowl ring around your neck? And further, what’s up with shouting “Super Bowl 23 (that’s XXIII for my Roman peeps). MVP, baby!!!“ when Bert asked you about it? Granted, being the Super Bowl MVP is really awesome, but I’m not sure what that has to do with Jerry’s samba performance on a cheezy reality TV show 17 years after the fact. I think I’m just jealous. If I had been the Super Bowl MVP, I’d probably wear that ring around my neck too and drop it on anyone that asked about it. I’d have worn it to bowling last night. And when I missed that spare the first game, I’d have just wheeled around and pointed at my necklace and been all, “That’s cool I missed that spare because I was the Super Bowl MVP. WHAT?!!!!!“
Moving on.
Drew Lachey - AG is rooting hard for the sausage. Heh. She’s worried it’s not going to go well. I have confidence in him. +1 for some “Dirrty”, and another point for the extra “r”. This is pretty good. The sausage continues to bring it. Nice job, Drew. In related news, I’m pretty sure that Bruno is high tonight. He loves everything and everyone…well, except for Kamikaze.
Bert is killing me tonight. She keeps asking the same lame questions. “Is it hard to not see your family?” Ugh. It’s kinda like a blog that keeps making the same lame jokes each week about the celebs. Get some new material, Bert. And stop reminding everyone that they need to change for the group salsa performance.
Group Salsa - I’ve never actually seen group salsa before, as it’s illegal here in North Carolina. More Miami Sound Machine? Poor Mr. Leapley’s TV. Tsk. Tsk. This is hard to comment on. Too. Much. Salsa. Of what I did make out, I will admit that my girl Stacy looked kinda clunky. This of course makes AG very happy. Bruno just lost all credibility with me by complimenting Stacy on how great she was. I think Bruno is just trying to uh, gain special favor.
America Votes Out: Tia
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