The competition heated up tonight as we hit the midway point of DWTS. On to the review….
George Hamilton - So I love GH. We all know this. But my man kinda looks he was left in the microwave a few minutes too long, doesn’t he? The Zorro bit tonight is funny, but I’m afraid we’re getting to that point where personality is not going to be enough. I think the judges are feeling me too. No wait….that’s just me feeling me. (awkward pause) Anyway, since it seems the Master P suck juggernaut can’t be stopped, this might be GH’s night to go.
A quick aside about co-host Samantha Harris. As I’ve said, I like her SO much better than last year’s Dunkelman. But one quibble: her eyebrows are kinda starting to freak me out. I’m worried that Bert might sue for copyright infringement.
Tia Carrere - I dug the open where we got to see Max’s dance class. I wish I had the crazy legs like that one kid did. And +1 cool for the other kid telling Tia that he’s legal. I’m digging this performance. Tia might be a dark horse in the making. She’s becoming more graceful as the weeks go on.
Master P - The Unintentional Comedy Duo keeps taking us to new heights, as this week P travels to Utah and meets Ashly’s family. P takes time out to break bread with the DelGrosso’s, all 17 of them, including her dad, Burt Reynolds. They all look excited to have him there, as do the other Utes who meet P on the street, which is puzzling to me since I thought black people were illegal in Utah. It turns out Ashly told everyone he was Karl Malone, so there’s no need to call the authorities.
Oh, and then there was yet another terrible performance. Afterwards in the interviews, Bert is bringing the heat. Suddenly she’s Katie Couric. From her barrage of tough questions, we find out that P has only contributed 20 hours TOTAL since the show began, whereas most of the other celebs have put in over 130. The judges respond by dropping a 8 of 30 on them. P reminds us that only God can judge him. Then God shows up and gives him a -7.
Stacy Keibler - Since Stacy is my new girlfriend, AG is still rooting for her to fall and hurt something, for those of you scoring at home. A quick note about the outfit tonight: yowza. Great performance. She almost has an unfair advantage because she’s so long and graceful. It’s like what people say about me sometimes in my bowling league. Or something. The judges give 25 points to my girl. AG is pissed. She doesn’t want Stacy to be in first place. Just so you know, AG’s bitter jealousy upon seeing the score caused her to actually say, “I have a lot riding on the Sausage now.”
I’ll wait here while you read that last sentence again…….
Right then. Moving on….
Drew LaSausage - This week we find Drew struggling to bring out his inner matador, whatever the hell that means. I get over this quickly because they are dancing to “Thriller!!!” Cool capework at the beginning, Sausage. AWESOME!!! Just as I’m getting ready to write how I hope they do the zombie walk from the video, they DO IT! Great times. This is good stuff. Very entertaining. In other news, no one besides Michael Jackson should ever sing “Thriller.” Ever. I’m serious. Nice score from the judges. Ashley’s ride on the Sausage was apparently a success.
In another side note, Tom Bergeron is freaking hilarious and doing another great job this year. He’s on fire tonight. Between the wiretapping joke and telling us Drew came out during practice carrying Webster, this might be his best episode yet.
Jerry Rice - Jerry’s pissed, and he’s not going to take it anymore. In the open we see Anna taking Jerry to ballet class, taught by a very twee little man. I’m not sure what to think of this, especially since this makes Jerry decide that he “still has that fire”. Right.
As for the perfomrance, I feel like I need to copy-paste my remarks from last week and the week before. Kinda stiff. Still carrying the drinks across the bar. I didn’t really dig this. Of course the judges liked it, though Len and Bruno seem ready to break into a bitch fight over Jerry’s posture. And I’m stupid.
Lisa Rinna - Lisa’s hair is much improved this time around. She must’ve listened when the 80s called last week and asked for it back. Speaking of the 80s….”The Final Countdown?” Seriously? I think this performance is cheezy, though I really can’t concentrate on it because of the song. I feel like I’m on a cruise ship. I have no idea what happened. The judges seem to like it. I’m still trying to order a Bahama Mama.
Though I’m still a bit hazy from the Europe-induced stupor, I did notice something important both before and after the dance. It’s the Harry Hamlin “Is Louis van Amstel Banging My Wife?” face. AG seems to think yes. I don’t think Louis plays for that team.
Okay, so the LR portion of this review is getting a bit long, but in case she gets dumped this week I want to share one last tidbit with you. If you’re like me, you’ve looked at Lisa’s fake rack and asked yourself, “Has Lisa been in Playboy?” And if you’re even more like me - you know, driven by research and the pursuit of knowledge and stuff - you searched the web and discovered that Lisa was indeed in Playboy….when she was pregnant. And then you threw up a little bit in your mouth.
America votes out: Master P. I think the judges’ 8 is the death knell for Karl Malone. Utah is going to be pissed.
So I’m down with Universal Pictures bringing “Magnum P.I.” to the big screen.
I just want to know when we’re going to see the “Knight Rider” movie. This must happen. Not only must it happen, it must star Hasselhoff.
I need this.
The world needs this.
Jerry Rice - You just knew Jerry would be dancing the jive, what with the feet and all. Upon further review, Jerry’s partner is kinda pretty, even with her jug ears (said the guy with jug ears). This performance was pretty much like their others: good, but not great. Len is killing them and I tend to agree. This was kinda boring for me. Jerry is still rocking the “Jamie carrying 3 Beers Across the Bar” face. Even Bruno has dropped has man crush on Jerry tonight. Could be a tough road ahead. AG thinks it’s funny how Jerry keeps saying he’s going for “the juggler”. 
Giselle Fernandez - After last week’s performance I’m interested to see how this is going to go. Nothing to exciting about the intro, except that Giselle’s partner needs to not wear open V-neck shirts if he’s going to keep that Teen Wolf shit he’s got going on. I was not loving most of their performance until the cool jump she did at the end. AG thinks they certainly went for the juggler with that finish. The judges hated it. They sure are cranky this week.
Drew Lachey - +1 for the sausage cap tonight. I kinda laughed when he said that last week when they got second he felt like he was punched in the stomach. Must not have hurt very much with all that padding. :) Meanwhile, this performance tonight is really good. Great steps, great energy, and topped off with a pretty kinky mid-air reverse cowgirl to boot. I’m a fan. Rock on, sausage. What’s up with the judges not wanting them to do lifts? Have they never seen “Dirty Dancing”?
George Hamilton - Before I comment on George, I need to give a shout out to blizzog reader Maureen who, after reading last week’s review, commented “George Hamilton, not George Harrison, who is now playing with John in the big Strawberry Fields in the sky.” Heh. Oops. In this week’s performance we see the continuation of a theme : big on charisma, light on actual dancing. I still think that will be enough to carry GH through this week.
Lisa Rinna - Seriously, did they just glue two caterpillars under her nose and paint them pink? The lips keep creeping me out. Well, now she’s crying and I feel kinda bad about making fun of her. Almost. At least Louis is there to comfort her. Must be that good bondage they have. This is a pretty flat performance. I’m not digging it. AG wants to know where Lisa’s mom hair-do came from. Of course, the judges love it, proving once again that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Stacy Keibler - AG doesn’t like my new girlfriend. She wants her to be gone. :) I’m not really sure what good tango is (obviously), but this performance is kinda boring to me. AG thought it was scary. Tom B seemed to agree. At least the judges somewhat agreed with me here that it was boring. Oh well, at least we get to hear how Stacy has 42 inch legs again. I can’t hear about this enough.
Master P - I want to know where I can get a Krunk Cookie Monster shirt like he has tonight in the preview. That’s good times. +1 for Ashley’s “A” bling hat. Wow. I have to say that though this certainly wasn’t the most graceful dance of the night, it was easily the most fun. The judges don’t agree. Especially Len. Forget W, Kanye, Judge Len doesn’t like black people. :) Good for Master P. He totally won me over tonight.
Tia Carrere - Man, you can just see the pounds melting off Tia each week. Good times. This tango seems much better to me than the others we’ve seen tonight. Lots of passion and character. I liked it. Must be that “True Lies” experience paying off. The judges seem to like it too.
America Votes Out: Jerry, though like last week it should probably be Master P
Some brief thoughts on tonight’s performances…
Lisa Rinna - Pole dancing class?!!! Awesome. This should be the whole show! Pole Dancing With The Stars. I like how Louis now knows about the “feelings of all women” after going to the stripper pole class. Maybe I should go to one. Fresh on the heels of his “we have good bondage“ quote from last week, Louis brings us another classic. The music to this one was kinda weird, but the dancing was pretty good. I can’t get over Lisa’s lips. They creep me out.
Drew Lachey - Bonus points for effectie use of “Neutron Dance”. Go little sausage, go!!! A pretty good two-step. This is much better than watching boy bander Joey McIntyre ride poor Ashly DelGrosso around the dance floor like a rented mule last season. Nice job, Drew.
Tia Carrere - I can’t believe she was in the bottom two last week. They weren’t that bad. I think America just doesn’t like fatties. :) Hmm. This one wasn’t so good for me. It was more like she just walked around and scowled at him the whole time. Even the scores are confused. Asian Paula retracted one of her points.
George Harrison - I really like GH. Great personality. I’m not sure if this is quite quick enough to be a quick step, but I really like the performance. So did the judges. Edyta is AG’s favorite of the pro dancers, and I’d have to agree. She’s pretty good. BWAAHAHAHAHAHAA. GH saying he’s doing this for his peeps in the hood is the line of the night. Bravo!!!!
Tatum O’Neal - AG wonders if Tatum is going to bust out any “acting” skills on us tonight. It looks like she might. Werd up to “Careless Whisper”. We’re not sure what to think about this dance, since AG and I don’t understand it. We’re not sure what make good rumba. It seems kinda like Roomba, where you just bumble about the room slowly. Either way, Tatum apparently didn’t do a good job. I could do without her in this competition anyway.
Jerry Rice - Whoa!!! I’m not down with whatever the hell Jerry’s partner is wearing. Somewhere P Diddy is looking for his drapes. This performance seems pretty good. Jerry hasn’t changed his posture or facial expression the entire performace. It’s like what I look like when I’m trying to carry three beers across a crowded bar. Just stay straight, look ahead, and don’t spill anything. Decent score. Nice job, Jerry.
Stacy Keibler - That was quite the preview. I think I need a moment alone. Stacy is promising to “bring the sausage” tonight. How can you not love that? I still don’t get the rumba, but according to Tony it’s supposed to be like watching two people getting ready to do it. I’m not really getting that here, but then I don’t sleep with many Amazonian wrestler chicks these days either. Apparently the judges like it a lot. A whole lot. Two 10s!!!
Master P - Master P is just an ass. I can’t believe he threw away poor Ashly’s present like that . This performance is just bad news. If I’m Kenny Mayne, I’m pissed. I guess Kenny should have had some “lucky P Miller shoes”. AG thinks everyone is being a little mean to Master P. I think he brings it on himself.
Giselle Fernandez - Okay, Giselle, we get it. You’re Latina… sort of. And nothing says “fiery Latina” like dancing to “Take My Breath Away”, by Berlin. But despite me making fun, that was really good tonight. This was actually one of my favorites of the night. Nice job, Giselle.
America votes out: Tatum, though it should be Master P
Hilarious. I thought I had heard them all, but Jason Lefkowitz points us to the best blonde joke ever.
Good times.
Happy New Year! In order to lighten the mood around here, I’m going to follow the advice of JT and give the people what they want. No, not an office bathroom rant - but that’s coming. It’s Season 2 of “Dancing With The Stars”, silly.
There’s a ton to go over, so let’s get started. The first thing I noticed is that they’ve upgraded the opening credits and the intros so they don’t quite come off like an early 80s TV special. I count this as a minus. One of the things that I liked about the first season was that it had that old-school thrown together vibe.Â
Thankfully the shitty camera work is still on hand to prevent things from getting too professional. Just like last season, many of the dances were obscured by poor camera angles or different video teams just flat running in front of each other on the floor. Good times.
Another change this season that I’m totally in favor of is the ditching of the horrid co-host Lisa Canning in favor of E! News correspondant Samantha Harris. Just like “American Idol” did when it moved on to Season Two, DWTS had the good sense to Dunkelman the dead weight. Harris was quick on her feet tonight and did a much better job of interacting with Tom Bergeron and interviewing the dancers than the stumbling Canning ever did. Kudos.
Enough with the overview, let’s handicap tonight’s performances.
George Hamilton - I’ve always kinda thought he was a joke, and it was cool to see in his intro that he gets that people feel that way about him and embraces it. It made me really like him. His partner, Edyta, is a wildcat. She looks like she’d tear him apart. After seeing their performance, my guess is they’ll skate along for a while on his personality alone, as the dancing was lacking tonight. He was really stiff. It’s like she was dancing with a surfboard out there. I was also a fan of the fact that George’s facial expression didn’t change one time during the entire dance. Behold, the power of cosmetic surgery.
Lisa Rinna - Speaking of Botox, what the hell is up with her grill? Her lips were nasty.  But enough about Lisa, let’s focus on her parnter. Louis is back! But with this time without his Fabio mullet. Now he looks like Nick Lachey’s gay stunt double. In his intro he all but said he’s glad he’s not with that prude Trista this season, and I couldn’t agree more. When he said that he and Lisa were going to have ”good bondage”, my curiosity was piqued. I guess we might have to wait for the DVD to see that one. Their dancing wasn’t all that bad. She could be around for a while.
Before we continue, allow me to share the exchange AG and I had as they showed Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice while going into the break.
AG: Who’s Kenny Mayne?
JG: He used to be on SportsCenter, played football at Nevada, pretty funny dude.
AG: Is he the black one?
JG: (stares blankly at AG)
Kenny Mayne - Nothing has happened yet and this already looks like it’s going to be bad. After we learn that Kenny isn’t really taking this too seriously, his partner tells us how she does it all. She competes, teaches, was married to Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, she just dated Flavor Flav on the Surreal Life. Wow. This IS bad. Kenny looks like he is concentrating really really hard. It’s not helping. Poor Brigette is dancing with the Tin Man. Bad times. What’s up with Bruno trying to be a coked up version of Simon? I don’t like it.
Stacy Keibler - I have a new crush.  This chick is a full-on hottie. It almost makes me sad I don’t watch rasslin’ anymore. Not really, but she’s a looker. After we get to see many shots of Stacy dressed up like a hooker school girl wrapping her 42 inch legs around other chicks, her partner tells us he’s “known as one of the bad boys of ballroom dancing.” BWAHAHAHAHA. I’m going to start telling chicks that and see how it goes. I thought this was the best one of the night. Her carriage was great. I like how Len said it was “All sizzle and no sausage.” Heh. Sausage.
Drew Lachey - If Stacy and the Bad Boy of Ballroom didn’t have enough sausage, Drew Lachey and his partner more than made up for it. I can’t be sure, but I think Drew might be a sausage himself, albeit with hands, feet, and a poofy hair cut. He’s a squat little dude. Despite his sausageness and bitchy partner, I really enjoyed their performance. I think it’s because it reminded me of the dancing hot dog in those old “Let’s All Go To the Lobby“ shorts they used to show before movies, and if there’s two things I like, it’s dancing and hot dogs. Nick Lachey sighting!!! I guess he kinda has a lot of time on his hands right now. After the performance, Samantha asks Drew how this compares to being in 98 Degrees. Drew tells her it’s pretty much the same because most people think ballroom dancing is gay too. Then he asks if there are any junior high chicks backstage for him to make out with.Â
Tia Carrere - Admit it. You saw her in the open and you were like, “Damn, she’s freaking fat now.“ I did the same thing. Turns out she just had a baby a few months back and that I’m just an ass. While Tia’s partner isn’t one of the bad boys of ballroom, he apparenlty thinks he’s Neo from “The Matrix“. I’m waiting for him to bust out with “I know kung fu.” He better hope that he is Neo, as he’ll need all the powers of “The One“ when it comes time to lift Tia’s hefty frame later on in the season. In related news, their performance is actually pretty good. Must be the glowing new mommy thing.
Master P. - Best unintentional comedy of the evening. First, P seems to think he’s at the NBA Draft and not a dance competition. In addition to his awful pinstripe suit, he’s wearing a baseball hat that’s been raped by The Bedazzler, leaving an enormous “P” on the front. I think the P stands for pudgy. My man is large and in charge. After we learn P is filling in because his son, Not So Lil’ Romeo, hurt himself and couldn’t participate, we also find out that the only reason he’s doing the show is to help the poor victims of Hurricane Katrina. I can only guess that P has discovered a way to rebuild devastated cities by dancing with little white girls. As you might imagine, with only a week to prepare and P apparently eating his first partner, this performance is pretty terrible. The judges are scared of him. I’m scared of him. I’m afraid if I don’t vote I might get shot tonight. With a score of 12, it’s not looking good. Somebody’s going to die.
Giselle Fernandez - I have no idea who this is, but apparently she’s won awards for being a journalist and her dad is that Don Flamenco guy from “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out“. Her partner is Rachel Hunter’s partner from last season. He explains how he is just glad he doesn’t have to haul her giantess ass around this year. The performance is pretty good.  As previously mentioned, the camera work still sucks ass, and it was especially bad during this dance.  At the end, the director must’ve said, “Floor Team #1 out. Cut to the feed from Guy in Third Row With His Camcorder. That’s it!  Almost got it, but can you please show us the back of the head of the fat guy in front of you. Perfect.” We didn’t even get to see the end, which is fine with me since I want this chick to lose on account of me not knowing who she is. Seriously, was Kathy Griffin or Todd Bridges not available?
Jerry Rice - I think Jerry is just here to pimp hos. Every time they show him while going to commercial he’s been macking on some of the chicks in the break room. I like how his partner talks shit to him. Her “Of course this is hard. Did your football coach just feed you cookies?” line was great. The performance, not so much. Jerry just kinda shook his butt a little bit while she flipped about around him. It was like me at a wedding reception, but at least Jerry had a shirt on. Though I didn’t love the performance, I seem to be in the minority, as the crowd and the judges dug it. This should just serve to remind you that I have no idea what I’m talking about.Â
Tatum O’Neal - ”Hi, I was famous 30 years ago and haven’t done anything I’m proud of since. Unless of course you count liquor-fueled lesbian rampages“. During the intro we learn Tatum has a problem with spinning, which is ironic because I imagine that’s how she experienced most of the 80s. So after a performance in which she looked high the whole time, the judges, who I can only assume were getting a contact buzz, started heaping the praise on our favorite child star turned lesbian drug addict. Len loved it, as did Bruno, and Asian Paula called it the most gracious waltz she’d even seen. What?!!!
Oh well. It was a fun night, and I’m looking forward to this season. There seem to be some folks with good potential this year, so the later rounds should be fun. Like last season, the talent seems to mostly be on the ladies’ side, though I wouldn’t overlook the Little Sausage That Could.
Elimination Prediction: Master P is out
Bold “Who’s Going To Win” Prediction Made After Seeing Only The First Show: the hottie rasslin’ chick. She’s tall, athletic, and apparently graceful. My money’s on her.
