Merry Christmas!

Greetings from Ohio, where it is a balmy -7 degrees!!!  Leave it to AG and I to bring the Dayton area its largest snowfall in recorded history.

Despite the weather, everyone is safe and warm.  Happy Holidays to you and yours. 

/Haters

Slashdot reports a new music download service targeted at Linux desktops.  The service, named Mindawn, provides CD-quality song files full previews of entire songs, and downloads in a variety of formats.  In related news, Linux users hate rap. 

There Goes My New Year’s

A 21-year-old Aussie is lucky to be alive after taking beer shotgunning to a whole new level on his birthday.  It turns out that using a helmet fitted with a jug of beer from which a hose was attached to a pump that was powered by a power drill and using said contraption to force beer into your mouth at a high rate of speed can be hazardous to your health.  Who knew?

The man, who shockingly did not wish to be identified, said that about six other party-goers had used the “jug helmet” before him without incident.  However, when it was his turn, the force of the beer ruptured his stomach, sending beer and food into his abdomen.  As anyone who watches “ER” knows, this is bad.  The guy, now known to his friends as “Lightweight”, was touch-and-go in the hospital for a week but is expected to make a full recovery.

Australian health experts took the opportunity to warn people not to build gadgets that allowed the rapid consumption of large amounts of alcohol.  Those Guiness Beer guys took the message to heart.

“Don’t build jug helmets with a hose attached to a pump powered by a power drill that allows the rapid consumption of large amounts of alcohol.  Brilliant!!!”

Vultures

Do you work in an office building where there are a limited number of “good” spaces near the building?  Don’t you hate it when you go out to run an errand and there’s someone there just waiting to take your spot?  This is a huge pet peeve of mine.  Irrational? Yes, but aren’t most pet peeves?

I usually get to the place where I’m contracting before a majority of the other folks that work there.  I can almost always score a primo spot when I arrive.  Yet at least once a week - more this time of year - I’ll need to run a quick errand during the early morning like going to the bank to deposit a check or something.  There’s nothing worse than walking out to your car and seeing someone pull into the parking lot at the same time.  You know they are watching you, waiting to steal your spot like the dirty vultures they are.

This really irritates me, and I have no idea why.  I have no problem doing the same thing to someone whenever I get the chance.  I actually get a bit of mild satisfcation out of janking someone’s spot from them.  Maybe this is why I get so irritated when it happens to me.

I think the tension comes from that slight glimmer of hope you have when you walk out to the car and realize that the next good space is about 300 yards away.  “If I haul ass to the bank and back, maybe this spot will still be here when I get back.”  Then you see the vulture and all your hopes and dreams for preserving your spot are dashed in an instant.  Curse you, vulture!!! 

I’ve actually done things like fake tying my shoes or pretending I forgot something in the building to shake a vulture off the scent of my spot.  Isn’t that awful?

I really need to get direct deposit.

Trackbacks

I have a new version of the blizzog in development and I’m trying to teach myself about a few blog-related technologies out there, specifically TrackBacks.  For those of you that don’t know, TracksBacks are a way of leaving a comment on someone else’s blog simply by linking to a post you wish to comment about from your blog.  I haven’t done much of this so I’m not sure to what degree my current software supports it, nor am I sure if the software being used by some of my good blog buddies does either.

To that end, I’m going to do some test linking here and see what happens.

The wsyiblog writes about Google’s new Google Select Beta that hit the web on Friday.  This feature seems to have taken the blogosphere by storm, though I’m still trying to figure out exactly what is so cool about it.

JT.net gave a shout-out to John Lennon on the anniversary of his death a few days ago.  It would have been very interesting to see what his continued impact on the music world would’ve been had he lived.

MT.net writes about how he would like to draw a comic strip someday.  I think that’s pretty cool.  I was just reading the other day about a fellow geek who draws a comic strip for fun.  Nick Bradbury, the created of HomeSite (and now FeedDemon), writes a comic strip called Dexter.  The latest one can be found here.

Cool.  Now that I’ve made these links, I’ll see if it shows up on any of your sites.  If you guys could try to link back to this post here that would be pretty cool too.  That way I can see if my software supports this or not.  Thanks! 

Update: A quick scan of the sites I linked to above indicates that only Nick Bradbury’s site seems to have picked up my TrackBack ping.  Sorry for the clutter, Nick. 

An Army of One

It’s no secret that America is a target these days, and during this holiday season you need to be more vigilant than ever.  An Army is invading our most precious commercial resources, and you need to be prepared to help thwart them.  Those precious commercial resources are of course our shopping malls.    And the Army?  Well, it’s the Salvation Army.  Duh!  These people are freaking everywhere, and you need to be ready to deal with them effectively.  I am going to show you how.

First, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give to the Salvation Army.  I think we can all agree that Salvation is a good thing and we should keep contributing to its Army so it can keep fighting whoever it is they are fighting.  I think it’s the Evil Horde or the Cobra Kai or the Spanish, but I’m not sure.  Anyway, the point is that it’s fine to give money to one or even a few of these people, but you also can’t be expected to give money to the roughly 400 bell ringers that you will see on an average day of holiday shopping in your town.  Use these tips and techniques below to keep yourself from contributing more than your fair share to the fight against Salvation…or for it….whatever.

    The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts
    upon it, will conquer:  let such a one be retained in command!
    The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it,
    will suffer defeat:–let such a one be dismissed!
    - Sun Tzu, “The Art of War“

Don’t Look Directly At Them

There is no more important tip I can give you than the one above.  These people are trained professionals when it comes to obtaining eye contact.  Once they lock on to you, you have about a 10% chance of escaping with your loose change (more on that later).  Rumor has it that the Air Force used AI constructs based on Salvation Army bell ringers to create its smart bomb targeting technology.  No kidding.  The vice-like grip of a bell ringer’s stare makes the Death Star’s Tractor Beam look like someone trying to suck a penny through a straw from across the table.  This is some strong stuff, and a battle that you do not want to engage in.  To that end, use these tips below to avoid the confrontation altogether.

The Fake Cell Phone Call

Almost all cell phones these days have a menu setting that lets you change the volume or ringtone.  These menu settings typically let you hear what the new volume or ringtone will sound like.  Use this marvel of modern technology to your advantage.  Queue up this menu setting before approaching the store in your pocket or somewhere you can easily touch it without being too obvious.  When you get within about 15 yards of the bell ringer, mash that “OK” button so that your phone starts ringing. 

At this point, it is okay to make eye contact with the bell ringer, though the look you make at this point is crucial to your success.  You want your look to be somewhat harried.  It should say, “I’d love to drop some coin in your shiny red bucket there, but I HAVE to take this call.  Stupid cell phones.  Sorry.”  Anything else and you just come off looking like a jerk.  Once the contact has been established, break your gaze and start engaging in your fake phone conversation as you duck into the store.  Try to say something loud into our phone as you pass the bell ringer like “YEAH, I’M JUST GETTING HERE NOW!!!!  IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED ME TO PICK UP?!!!!  WHAT?!!!!!”  This will make your call sound authentic, especially if you are really obnoxious and show no regard for those around you.  To really sell it, stop just inside the door such that no one can enter or exit the store because of your important phone conversation.

The “Did I Leave Something Important in the Car?” Pause

This is a classic technique that works especially well in highly trafficked areas.  Though the bell ringer is an excellent hunter of your spare nickels, he can only pursue his quarry one at a time.  You need to use this disadvantage to your advantage.  As you approach the store, scan about for all others who appear to be intent on entering it as well. 

Should you find some poor folks that are slightly behind you, immediately pause, look up, and cock your head to the side as if the sky has just asked you a question.  Be sure to keep a quizzical look on your face as if you are trying to remember if you left something in the car.  Note that you are not really worried about whether you left something in the car.  You are worried about whether the people behind you have put themselves into a closer orbit around the bell ringer than you are. 

Once there is someone closer to the bell ringer than you are, the mission is accomplished.  Simply shrug your shoulders as if to say, “Nah, I have that coupon with me,” and proceed into the store, being sure to stay behind the poor suckers you sacrificed….err, allowed to go in front of you.  Kids make great patsies when using the “Did I Leave Something Important in the Car?” pause, as they LOVE to throw change into the bucket.  I think it’s the loud noise that it makes.  Kids are great.

The Fake Companion

One of the more tawdry means of escaping interaction with the Salvation Army bell ringer is The Fake Companion.  It’s a bit on the shady side, but if you’re reading this then you’re not exactly Mother Theresa now, are you?  The beauty of the Fake Companion is its simplicity.  It requires no props or other people.  It simply requires yelling at an imaginary person just inside the store that has “left you behind“ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

As you approach the store and bell ringer, immediately fix your gaze on a point just inside the store.  Pick the jewelry counter or a mannequin or a teddy bear or something.  Hell, it could be an actual person if you want.  It doesn’t matter.  As soon as you’ve found that focus point, raise your voice and say, “HEY!!!  <Dad/Mom/Steve/Heather/YourNameofChoiceHere>, WAIT UP!” and then go tearing ass into the store.  Disregard the fact that the bell ringer is not an idiot and will typically recognize that you are speaking to an inanimate object.  They will either think that you’re an idiot or a jackass, but hey, that’s on them and not you, right?

Cheap?  Yes.  Save-You-a-Quarter Cheap.  Werd.

When You’re Caught…

If you’ve made eye contact with the Salvation Army bell ringer before employing any of the techniques mentioned above, well…. I just can’t mince words here.  You’re pretty screwed.  As mentioned before, the bell ringer is adept at locking your gaze and using what is apparently some kind of Jedi mind trick to get you to cough up some coin for the cause.  Unless the Force is strong with you (“These aren’t the dimes you’re looking for.“), try some of the techniques below in an attempt to save yourself.  Note that they are not effective all the time, but work more often than other ones.

“I Gave At The Office”

This is a classic maneuver.  Simply smile at the bell ringer and say, “I already donated at Wal-Mart.  Happy Holidays!”  This is a sure-fire strategy unless of course you already happen to be at Wal-Mart.  If this is the case, just say, “I already donated at the other Wal-Mart.  Happy Holidays!”  This will typically be a plausible excuse in that there are now approximately 3 Wal-Marts per square mile in any given city.

Play The Victim

It’s like I always say: Nothing gets you out of a sticky situation better than pretending like you’ve been carjacked.  Once you are in the gaze of the bell ringer, don’t attempt to pull away.  Instead, rush towards the bell ringer and say, “I’d love to donate, but I’ve just been mugged.  Someone stole my car and it had everything in it.  I’m going inside right now to call the cops.”  During this heart-wrenching monologue, it helps if you can manufacture a tear or two.  Try to think of something sad, like “Old Yeller”, or any episode of “Party of Five”, or that “Saved By The Bell” where Jesse got addicted to pills.  Dig deep.

Anyway, once you’ve told the bell ringer about your terrible ordeal, sigh dramatically and rush into the store.  If you’re hardcore, before you go you’ll ask for change from the bucket to make your call.

“Que?”

Another great change-saving technique is the old “I Don’t Speak English” ploy.  It’s not just for when little kids try to sell you stuff for school, you know.  Anyway, as you hold the gaze of the bell ringer, smile warmly and say, “Feliz Navidad!!!!” (of course).  Then proceed to act as if you have no idea why they are there or what they are doing.  Don’t forget to keep smiling.  This makes you lovable, not to mention wealthier.

If the smile and confused look on your face doesn’t seem to be enough, try imitating the bell ringer like they are the most amazing being you have ever encountered.  Keep a bemused look about you that communicates how wonderful it is to be in this crazy America.  Keep saying “Feliz Navidad!” and ringing your fake bell until you are in the store.  You may hate yourself once you’re in there, but you’ll have your friends Washington and Lincoln there to console you.

Be A Stone Cold Bastard

If all else fails, you simply have the right to not put any money in the bucket and offer no reason for it at all.  That is, of course, if you are a heartless piece of crap.  I mean, why would you do something so awful, so low?  What are you, made of stone?  Have you no feelings?  If everyone felt like you and just didn’t put anything in the bucket for no good reason at all, then I suppose that the Decepticons or whoever the Salvation Army is fighting would be running this country and we’d all be speaking Decepticese, now wouldn’t we?

People like you disgust me.  Get out of here.

Oh, and Feliz Navidad!!!

The Price Is Wrong

Bob Barker recently donated one MEEEHL-yun dollars to Dook’s Law School to promote the teaching of animal rights law.  When reached for comment about the endowment, Barker said, “Protecting helpless whining bitches has always been my passion.  So when I was thinking of schools that have a lot of experience with them, Dook was tops on my list.”

Well played, Bob.  Well played.

In related news, there is no word on when Carolina can expect its grant from Ernest & Julio Gallo or the Wisconsin Dairy Farmers. 

Faking It

We’re going to Ohio for Christmas this year for the first time since we’ve been married.  We’re also going to do our own Christmas here together when we get back.  To keep us from having to worry about our tree drying out while we are gone, we bought an artificial tree this year.  This is AG’s first artificicial tree ever and she’s not happy about it.  We had one for most of the Christmas holidays I can remember growing up, so it’s not really a big deal to me.

In order to help AG get that same feeling of Christmas joy from our fake tree, I’ve written a song for her to the tune of “O Christmas Tree”.  I hope she - and you - enjoy it.  Happy Holidays.

Fake Christmas Tree

Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
Made in sweatshops in China.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
You give my wife angina.
You almost look legit to me
Except you bend unnaturally.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
Made in sweatshops in China.

Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
I think your style is first class.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
My wife she hates your fake ass.
You may not be a Douglas Fir
Instead your space age polymer
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
I think your style is first class.

Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
I think you serve your function.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
My wife wants your destruction.
Though you my cause AG to frown
At least you won’t burn our house down
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
I think you serve your function.

Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
Made in sweatshops in China.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
You give my wife angina.
Where real trees die and end the cheers
You’ll be around for many years.
Fake Christmas Tree,
Fake Christmas Tree,
Made in sweatshops in China.

Cross-Selling Makes Me Cross

I went on my annual Hell Day of Shopping for Christmas (HDS4C) this past weekend.  I usually take a day off work and do it but I’m not going to be able to do that this year.  I start early and hit all the places that I need to hit.  Out of the offline Christmas shopping I do in a given year, I typically get 95% of it done on HDS4C.  This year was no exception.

Part of the tradition of HDS4C is being subjected to the annual annoyances of crowds, traffic, Blocks The Aisle While Just Standing There Like a Dumbass Guy, Argues About The Price With The Only Cashier While You Wait In Line Behind Her Girl, Russian Long-Line Roulette, and horrible renditions of Christmas classics performed by every B-List singer/band in the history of modern music.  Working very hard to be added to this list of HDS4C aggravation is a relative newcomer, Cross-Selling Cashier.

This is the person who takes your money before you leave the store, but asks you to buy about fifty other things before doing so.  Cross-Selling Cashier comes at you with gems like….

“Will this be on your <InsertStoreNameHere> charge card today?  No?  You know you can save 15% today if you open one up?”
”You know if you buy one more of these then it’s half-off, right?”
”Did you get signed up for our drawing?  You could win a new <InsertPieceOfCrapYourDon’tWantHere>.”
”Oh, this is so cute.  Did you want to get some accessories to go with this?”

Cross-Selling Cashier irritates me to no end.  I realize that this has been going on for years and that it can be an effective selling tool, but it seems to be out of control this year.  Out of the ten or more stores I made a purchase from this weekend, I’d say I got hit up by Cross-Selling Cashier nine times.  That’s way too much.  If I’m saying “No thanks.“ more than I’m saying “Thanks“ then something isn’t right.

Look, CSC, I’m already in your store and I’ve already agreed to purchase something.  Don’t push your luck.  If I really wanted to buy something else in the store, I would’ve done so.  If you need just one more person to meet your cross-sell quota for the day, then you need to find a new sucker.  You are barking up the wrong tree.  So STEP OFF!!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go pick up that Twisted Sister “A Very Twisted Christmas” CD.  Some dude who looks like Dee Snider recommended it to me when I was buying some gear at The Gap.

Humbug

Sorry it’s been so long.  Long story short, the holidays are killing me.  I hate how I get so stressed out this time of year.  It sucks.  Bah.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go find some holiday cheer……

….more later when I’m not so bitter.  Heh.  Scratch that, since that will never happen.

….more later.