the blizzog sucks - my confession/apology/excuse

So basically the blizzog has sucked major ass for the better part of the last few months. This is what I get for cracking on everyone else about not updating their blog. The problem has been that I really, really, really overcommitted myself in my consulting life at the beginning of the year and it has taken its toll on me. Fair warning: this post is a long-winded rambling confession/apology/excuse as to what has been going on with me lately and is probably more for me than it is for you, but you’re welcome to read on if you’re so inclined.

Since January and up until a couple weeks ago, I have been working on two contracts at the same time. The first contract, my “day gig” if you will, has kept me occupied from 9-10 hours a day (Mon-Fri) since I started in January. My “side gig” was taking up what remaining free time that I had: weeknights, weekends, early mornings before the day gig, etc. With the other mundane things I do just to keep my business running, I was essentially going at a 60-70 hour a week pace from January through April.

The toll of that pace on my health, my marriage, my disposition, my life has been tremendous. I never had a waking moment to myself where I didn’t feel the stressful tug of my work obligations. I was irritable all the time. And I don’t mean “this Oliver storyline on ‘The O.C.’ pisses me off’ normal Jamie irritable, I mean “say the wrong thing to me and I will end you” irritable (with apologies to the jigga man for use of the term “end you” ). I was ill all the time. I never saw my wife except for a few passing moments where we ate dinner together. The AG was not pleased with my schedule and we had it out on more than one occasion as a result. Things were not good.

Through April it became apparent that the time commitment necessary for my day gig was going to make it impossible for me to fulfill my obligation to my side gig. So a few weeks ago I did something that I have never done in the five years that I have been consulting: I quit a contract, the side gig. The folks that brought me into that contract are wonderful people that I know personally and have done a lot of good work with over the years. It killed me to bail on them in the middle of the contract but I knew that getting out while there was still time to find someone who could finish the job in a quality way would be better than delivering a sub-par product because I couldn’t devote enough attention to it.

It seems that things on that front have worked out for the better. In an “It’s a Small World After All” twist of fate, my man Scotty G has taken over the project. Knowing that Scott and I have worked together before and that we are friends and that he does great work, I am sleeping much better at night now despite my guilt for bailing on the side gig. Call me if you need me, eh Scott?

Despite shedding the side gig, things have not completely settled down yet because the day gig project is nearing the end, and we are in a heavy Quality Assurance (QA) cycle where we are working long days to fix bugs as the QA team finds them. This cycle will pass as well, and the plan is that my life will return to a state of “normalcy”, whatever that is.

I’m writing all of this as a way of explaining to all of you and to myself what’s been going on with me and why things on the blizzog and in my life have been so lame of late. I’m not pompous enough to think that your quality of life has suffered recently because the blizzog hasn’t been there for you, but I do feel that since so many of you are cool enough to drop by here and see what’s up that I at least owe you an explanation of what’s been happening. So there it is.

I haven’t written much lately because I haven’t been very happy lately. I didn’t want the blizzog filled with posts about how tired I was or how much I wanted a break or blah blah waaah waah waahhhhh. My original intent for the blizzog was for it to be a chronicle of my observations on the world as I see it. That is still my intent. I don’t really want it to become a diary per se; partly because I didn’t and don’t want to share everything with the world and mostly because I don’t think that what I do or feel on a day-to-day basis is that interesting.

Having said all that this is coming off very much like a diary post, but I don’t mind. It is cathartic to write about what I am feeling right now. These past few months have really sucked, but I know that I’m taking steps to make it better. It feels good to be able to articulate that to you, to AG, to myself. It just feels good.

So I hope you’ll forgive me this moment of blizzog weakness, where I take a break from the “American Idol” opinions and Fark retreads to bare a teeny bit of my soul for a moment.

These past few months have only confirmed what I’ve known all along: that good work and good money alone will not make me happy. It is no secret to any of you that know me that I’m somewhat of a workoholic. I love what I do. I love my company. I love the thrill of solving problems and seeing a plan come together. I throw everything that I am into what I do and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ve enjoyed the work I’ve done through the years and the money is always nice. But at the end of the day it’s not worth the time that I have spent away from the people and things that I love: my wife, my friends, my blizzog. You always hear the old saw about “Nobody says they wished they spent more time at work when they are on their death bed.” and it makes a ton of sense. It’s something that I need to start remembering more often.

There’s a balance between work and play that has been missing in my life for some time and I’m hoping that I can find the strength to commit to finding it. I hope that laying all of this out for you and me is a starting point in making that commitment. I know that I will always have obligations as everyone else does, but I want to make the effort going forward to balance out my personal and professional obligations in an equitable manner.

Changes are already in the works. I have made a promise to myself that I will only be taking on a day gig from now on. No more side work. The only extra development projects I will dedicate myself to are things that I am personally interested in, like Blizzog 2.0 In fits and starts, I am getting myself to the gym on a quasi/semi regular basis. The turmoil of late has thrown me off the wagon a bit, but it’s something that I’m trying to commit to.

Despite the craziness of the day gig right now, AG and I are going to Asheville to stay at the Biltmore this weekend and enjoy some long-overdue down time together. There are also plans in the works for a longer vacation in a few months so we can really get away.

None of these things are answers in themselves but as a whole I think they add up to an overall healthier, lovable, and relaxed me. And isn’t that what we’d all rather have?

I wasn’t sure where I was going when I started writing all of this about an hour ago, but I like where it is ending up. I don’t like how I’ve been living my life of late and I hope that by confessing that to you - my family and friends and random teenage girls that read my “Idol” posts - and promising to change, that you and I both with help me really truly make that change. I know that I could do it alone but it will be easier with your encouragement. I also hope that this might be a shout-out/wake-up call to those of you that are not as balanced as you would like to be.

Better times are coming for me and the Blizzog. Version 2.0 of both of us will be coming soon and it will rock. I promise.

For now I better go to sleep, which is probably where you have been since about paragraph 27 of this mind-numbing post. If you are still reading this then you are either a sadist or a speed-reader or both, but I appreciate you lending an ear.

It’s time for bed now. There’s work to do tomorrow.