Celebrity Rent-A-Friend

It seems that Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s Denver Nuggets was cited for marijuana possession while boarding the team plane last week.  In a shocking statement, ‘Melo said that the wacky was left in his backpack by “a friend”.  No way.

Now in this particular instance I’m actually inclined to believe him.  I’m not sure why, but despite being named ‘Melo, Anthony doesn’t strike me as one to smoke up.  What I find amusing about this particular incident is the use of Celebrity Excuse #2 in response to charges of doing something stupid.  Celebrity Excuse #1 is of course “I was misquoted.”  Celebrity Excuse #2 is “It was my friend’.”

It wasn’t Randy Moss’ weed they found in his car a few years ago.  Nooooo.  It was his friend’s.  It wasn’t Ray Lewis who stabbed that dude at the Super Bowl.  It was his friends.  Well, okay, in that case it was his friends.

My point is that these athletes sure must go through friends pretty fast.  How many people that you know from back in the day can you throw under the bus each time you assault someone or get caught with drugs before your out of friends?  I would imagine that given the rate these athletes tend to find themselves in trouble, it gets harder to find friends that uh, well, did it.

That’s why I’ve decided to start a new service.  Jamie’s Celebrity Rent-A-Friend.  It’s going to be like a recruiting service for celebrities, primarily athletes, to help them find “friends” to take the fall for the stupid stuff that they do.  You see, it won’t be hard to find people because everybody likes to hang out with celebs.  One of my ads might look like this.

“WANTED.  Crew to roll with <insert athlete name here>.  Must be funny but not annoying, be able to hold your drank, and prolific in Madden 2004 on X-box or Playstation 2.  Great perks.”

That’s it.  Who wouldn’t want to sign up for that job.  So then the friend hangs out with the celeb for a few months and everything is going good.  Then the celeb does something stupid and he’s like, “C’mon, homey.  I can’t be going to no jail for driving this tree into this here church.  Switch seats with me and say it was you.  I’ll get you the best lawyer.  When you get out we can go back to playin’ Madden every day.”

It’s just that easy.  I think my business will be a smashing success because a.) as I said, people like to hang out with celebrities and b.) celebrities are on the road a lot so it’s probably hard for them to find new friends once they’ve sent all their other friends to the state pen.  They’ll be happy to have a service like mine.  I’m going to make a mint!