Bachelorette: First Impressions

I can already tell I’m not going to like this season.  I was a big fan of Jen Schefft during her original season on “The Bachelor”, but I began to sour on her after she and Andrew broke up.  When I started seeing her in People and going on shopping trips with Us – this is before she agreed to do “The Bachelorette”, mind you – I had the vague sense she was starting to go Trista (read: media whore) on me.  Soon after, Jen agreed to do “The Bachelorette”, confirming my media ho suspicions.  (Before you start whining to me: nobody goes on these shows because it’s their last chance at love.  They go on because they’d like to find love, but if they get on national TV for a few months then that’s okay too.)

This season feels WAY over-produced.  From the incessant Sinatra-esque music to the staged shots of Chris Harrison “among the people” on the streets of New York to the overly-lit street shots of the apartment, the show seems too self-important.  And that’s saying something for a show that promises “the most dramatic scene in the kitchen, EVER” as it bumps into each commercial break.

Then, of course, there are the dudes.  The blizzog and AG handicap the field….

Andrew – creepy hair

Andy – Olympic sport skier?  What, they couldn’t find one of those trampoline dudes?

AW – stands for “a wanker”, apparently.  Next.

Ben – AG’s early favorite; he looks a bit, well, “special” to me.

Chris C – this guy was the best part of the show last night: the drunken hillbilly hairstylist from Kentucky whose dad owns a liquor store.  Note to ABC: This guy HAS to be the next “Bachelor”.  Set the show in rural Kentucky and have 25 skanks vie for his attention.  Wait.  Scratch that.  Give this guy to FOX and the show will be much better.  Same premise, but call the show “Hope You Ain’t My Sister”.  Instead of flowers, he could pass out bottles of cheap wine at each ceremony.  “Will you accept this bottle of Boone’s Farm?” 

Chris M – the M doesn’t stand for memorable.  I have no idea who this guy is.

Collin – another non-descript, “I wish I could get some alone time with her”, random.  Next.

David – awesome.  This is the guy who fainted during the rose ceremony last night.  AG thinks he looks like Ben Stiller’s evil gym owner from “Dodgeball“.  David is not sure why he fainted, but I have an idea.  It’s probably because he “likes to work out and wear tight clothes to show off his body.”  Maybe his shirt was too tight and cut off the blood flow to his dome.

Eric H – the H stands for hustla.  Note to you, Eric.  Next time you go on national TV to “find a wife”, try mixing in a little conversation with the woman your trying to get instead of asking the bartender chick – who happens to be the woman’s best friend – what time she gets off work.  Smooth.

Eric T – the OTHER firefighter.  random.

Fabrice – The French Guy, and – SHOCKER – a total jackass.  ABC is certainly doing their part to help international relations by casting this guy.

Jason – the motivational speaker who has so far not motivated anyone to have sex with him.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jerry – this season’s wolf in sheep’s clothing.  He comes across smooth to Jen but seems to be a jerk.  More to come.

John Paul – 25, and “has a little investment company in real estate and oil”, and apparently not afraid to talk about it.  A lot.  Take note that he’s from Oklahoma.  With apologies to Hot Manda, his “little investment company in real estate and oil” means he owns part of a gas station.  AG says she “like his personality, but can’t stand his demeanor.”  I have no idea what this means, but I’m not sure what she’s saying either.

Josh – Wait.  This is the creepy hair guy.  I think later we’ll find out that he’s Andrew’s evil twin.

Keith – in addition to looking like my boy, JT.net, this guy is pretty cool.  He scored the “first date” rose with Jen’s friends by getting his own drink when they were pretending to be waitresses, proclaiming, “I don’t need to be waited on.  I’m a welder.”  Well then.

Kevin – token nice guy who doesn’t get picked.  He said something really kind and sweet while sitting there with Jen….as the Frenchie mocked him the whole time.  Scoreboard: Frenchie got a rose, Kevin did not.  There’s all the reality you need right there, fellas.

Mark – I know nothing about this guy except that his face makes me feel like I would’ve had a shot on this show, and that he’s “caring, thoughful, and generous.”  I don’t think he got picked.

Matt L – the L is for Loser.  (I know.  I’m wearing that joke out.)  Another “I wish I could get some alone time with her” guy that didn’t get picked….at least I don’t think he did.

Matt M – NY Firefighter.  Say no more.  This guy seems pretty cool and someone the ladies would like.

Michael – AG: he looks like Screech; blizzog: In addition to being on “Saved By The Bell”, I think this is the guy that brought her the Mount Union teddy bear because his dad was her dad’s fraternity big brother or some crap like that.  Despite his Screech-ness, and the present, he seems like an okay guy.

Ryan Sh – the Sh stands for SHHHH.  I don’t think he said anything the whole show.  Random.  Next.

Ryan Sm – Okay, call me a bad guy, but can you explain to me how each of these shows has had one or more minorities that keep getting roses through like 2 or 3 ceremonies, despite never interacting with the Bachelor or Bachelorette?  This guy got picked last night without speaking to Jen at all that we could see.  Is Paul Tagliabue setting the rules for rose ceremony selection practices?  I’m honestly not trying to denegrate this guy.  He seems like a good guy.  I just wish ABC would actually let us find out more about him than they have some of the other minority suitors on the show.

Stu – The Stu stands for Stalker.  This guy is creepy-ass creepy.  He had me at “I was meant to be here.”  Despite one of Jen’s friends actually saying “he creeps me out”, she picked him.  More as this story develops.

Wendell – I don’t know who this guy is but I think he got picked last night.  There’s a ringing endorsement if you’ve ever seen it, eh?

Well, that’s it for now.  Stay tuned to the blizzog as I never revisit this topic again for the rest of the season.