Amway

When are you Amway freaks going to leave me the hell alone?

I am a magnet for Amway recruiters, and it sucks.  Some guys attract hot women who ask for their phone number or ask if they want to meet for coffee some time.  I attract 40 year-old male losers who ask me if I want to get involved in a web-based business.  Lucky freakin’ me.

It happened again this weekend, and the experience was much like the twenty other times this has happened to me in the past nine years.  I’m in the Programming section at Barnes & Noble looking for a book.  Within a minute of me getting there, this guy comes rolling around the corner and about runs right into me.  I instinctively step out of the way and say, “Pardon me,” as I thought I was in his way. 

But I thought about it for a second and realized that I wasn’t in his way at all.  I was halfway down the aisle so he had plenty of time to see me and get out of the way.  He knew I was concentrating on the books and not really paying attention, so this was his opportunity to talk to me before I realized what was happening.  The fact that he had not broken eye contact with me since I spoke to him gave me that sinking feeling I have when I’m about to get Amway’d.

“So are you a programmer?” the guy asks.

“Uh, yeah,” I mumbled, immediately picking up the nearest book and pretending like it was the most important thing I’d ever read.

“What kind of operating system do you program in, Visual Basic?”  At this point the Amway Security Alert Level is at code red.  For you non-techies out there, an operating system is what runs your computer, like Windows XP or Linux.  Visual Basic is a programming language.  It would be like him asking me, “What kind of car do you drive, Michelin?”

So, trying to be nice, I replied, “No, C#.” Another programming language.

“Oh, so do you any kind of web programming?”

“Yes”

Wait for it……. wait for it…..

“Oh, that’s very interesting.  I happen to run a web-based business…..“

Yeah, no shit.  At this point I jetted.  I just put my book down, said “Cool,” and walked away from him.  I went to hide a few sections over and thumbed through a copy of “Friday Night Lights”.  I went back about two minutes later and he was gone.

What is the deal with you people?  Why is it that when I meet you while looking for a computer book or buying a video game I feel like a 14 year-old girl getting hit on in cyberchat by some crusty old man?  Leave me the hell alone.  No, I don’t want to join your cult and pay you two-hundred bucks a month for the privelege of harassing my friends to buy 40 cans of coffee from me.  They already have enough reasons to dislike me.  I don’t need to pay for another one.

I think I’ve come up with a solution though.  The next time I get Amway’d, I’m going to look that chump right in the eye, shake his hand, and say, “Jeff Turner, web programmer.  Damn glad to meet you.”