Dancing With The Stars - Season 2, Ep. 1

Happy New Year!  In order to lighten the mood around here, I’m going to follow the advice of JT and give the people what they want.  No, not an office bathroom rant - but that’s coming.  It’s Season 2 of “Dancing With The Stars”, silly.

There’s a ton to go over, so let’s get started.  The first thing I noticed is that they’ve upgraded the opening credits and the intros so they don’t quite come off like an early 80s TV special.  I count this as a minus.  One of the things that I liked about the first season was that it had that old-school thrown together vibe. 

Thankfully the shitty camera work is still on hand to prevent things from getting too professional.  Just like last season, many of the dances were obscured by poor camera angles or different video teams just flat running in front of each other on the floor.  Good times.

Another change this season that I’m totally in favor of is the ditching of the horrid co-host Lisa Canning in favor of E! News correspondant Samantha Harris.  Just like “American Idol” did when it moved on to Season Two, DWTS had the good sense to Dunkelman the dead weight.  Harris was quick on her feet tonight and did a much better job of interacting with Tom Bergeron and interviewing the dancers than the stumbling Canning ever did.  Kudos.

Enough with the overview, let’s handicap tonight’s performances.

George Hamilton - I’ve always kinda thought he was a joke, and it was cool to see in his intro that he gets that people feel that way about him and embraces it.  It made me really like him.  His partner, Edyta, is a wildcat.  She looks like she’d tear him apart.  After seeing their performance, my guess is they’ll skate along for a while on his personality alone, as the dancing was lacking tonight.  He was really stiff.  It’s like she was dancing with a surfboard out there.  I was also a fan of the fact that George’s facial expression didn’t change one time during the entire dance.  Behold, the power of cosmetic surgery.

Lisa Rinna - Speaking of Botox, what the hell is up with her grill?  Her lips were nasty.  But enough about Lisa, let’s focus on her parnter.  Louis is back!  But with this time without his Fabio mullet.  Now he looks like Nick Lachey’s gay stunt double.  In his intro he all but said he’s glad he’s not with that prude Trista this season, and I couldn’t agree more.  When he said that he and Lisa were going to have ”good bondage”, my curiosity was piqued.  I guess we might have to wait for the DVD to see that one.  Their dancing wasn’t all that bad.  She could be around for a while.

Before we continue, allow me to share the exchange AG and I had as they showed Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice while going into the break.

AG: Who’s Kenny Mayne?

JG: He used to be on SportsCenter, played football at Nevada, pretty funny dude.

AG: Is he the black one?

JG: (stares blankly at AG)

Kenny Mayne - Nothing has happened yet and this already looks like it’s going to be bad.  After we learn that Kenny isn’t really taking this too seriously, his partner tells us how she does it all.  She competes, teaches, was married to Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, she just dated Flavor Flav on the Surreal Life.  Wow.  This IS bad.  Kenny looks like he is concentrating really really hard.  It’s not helping.  Poor Brigette is dancing with the Tin Man.  Bad times.  What’s up with Bruno trying to be a coked up version of Simon?  I don’t like it.

Stacy Keibler - I have a new crush.  This chick is a full-on hottie. It almost makes me sad I don’t watch rasslin’ anymore.  Not really, but she’s a looker.  After we get to see many shots of Stacy dressed up like a hooker school girl wrapping her 42 inch legs around other chicks, her partner tells us he’s “known as one of the bad boys of ballroom dancing.”  BWAHAHAHAHA.  I’m going to start telling chicks that and see how it goes.  I thought this was the best one of the night.  Her carriage was great.  I like how Len said it was “All sizzle and no sausage.”  Heh.  Sausage.

Drew Lachey - If Stacy and the Bad Boy of Ballroom didn’t have enough sausage, Drew Lachey and his partner more than made up for it.  I can’t be sure, but I think Drew might be a sausage himself, albeit with hands, feet, and a poofy hair cut.  He’s a squat little dude.  Despite his sausageness and bitchy partner, I really enjoyed their performance.  I think it’s because it reminded me of the dancing hot dog in those old “Let’s All Go To the Lobby“ shorts they used to show before movies, and if there’s two things I like, it’s dancing and hot dogs.  Nick Lachey sighting!!!  I guess he kinda has a lot of time on his hands right now.  After the performance, Samantha asks Drew how this compares to being in 98 Degrees.  Drew tells her it’s pretty much the same because most people think ballroom dancing is gay too.  Then he asks if there are any junior high chicks backstage for him to make out with. 

Tia Carrere - Admit it.  You saw her in the open and you were like, “Damn, she’s freaking fat now.“  I did the same thing.  Turns out she just had a baby a few months back and that I’m just an ass.  While Tia’s partner isn’t one of the bad boys of ballroom, he apparenlty thinks he’s Neo from “The Matrix“.  I’m waiting for him to bust out with “I know kung fu.”  He better hope that he is Neo, as he’ll need all the powers of “The One“ when it comes time to lift Tia’s hefty frame later on in the season.  In related news, their performance is actually pretty good.  Must be the glowing new mommy thing.

Master P. - Best unintentional comedy of the evening.  First, P seems to think he’s at the NBA Draft and not a dance competition.  In addition to his awful pinstripe suit, he’s wearing a baseball hat that’s been raped by The Bedazzler, leaving an enormous “P” on the front.  I think the P stands for pudgy.  My man is large and in charge.  After we learn P is filling in because his son, Not So Lil’ Romeo, hurt himself and couldn’t participate, we also find out that the only reason he’s doing the show is to help the poor victims of Hurricane Katrina.  I can only guess that P has discovered a way to rebuild devastated cities by dancing with little white girls.  As you might imagine, with only a week to prepare and P apparently eating his first partner, this performance is pretty terrible.  The judges are scared of him.  I’m scared of him.  I’m afraid if I don’t vote I might get shot tonight.  With a score of 12, it’s not looking good.  Somebody’s going to die.

Giselle Fernandez  - I have no idea who this is, but apparently she’s won awards for being a journalist and her dad is that Don Flamenco guy from “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out“.  Her partner is Rachel Hunter’s partner from last season.  He explains how he is just glad he doesn’t have to haul her giantess ass around this year.  The performance is pretty good.  As previously mentioned, the camera work still sucks ass, and it was especially bad during this dance.  At the end, the director must’ve said, “Floor Team #1 out.  Cut to the feed from Guy in Third Row With His Camcorder.  That’s it!  Almost got it, but can you please show us the back of the head of the fat guy in front of you.  Perfect.”  We didn’t even get to see the end, which is fine with me since I want this chick to lose on account of me not knowing who she is.  Seriously, was Kathy Griffin or Todd Bridges not available?

Jerry Rice - I think Jerry is just here to pimp hos.  Every time they show him while going to commercial he’s been macking on some of the chicks in the break room.  I like how his partner talks shit to him.  Her “Of course this is hard.  Did your football coach just feed you cookies?” line was great.  The performance, not so much.  Jerry just kinda shook his butt a little bit while she flipped about around him.  It was like me at a wedding reception, but at least Jerry had a shirt on.  Though I didn’t love the performance, I seem to be in the minority, as the crowd and the judges dug it.  This should just serve to remind you that I have no idea what I’m talking about. 

Tatum O’Neal - ”Hi, I was famous 30 years ago and haven’t done anything I’m proud of since.  Unless of course you count liquor-fueled lesbian rampages“.  During the intro we learn Tatum has a problem with spinning, which is ironic because I imagine that’s how she experienced most of the 80s.  So after a performance in which she looked high the whole time, the judges, who I can only assume were getting a contact buzz, started heaping the praise on our favorite child star turned lesbian drug addict.  Len loved it, as did Bruno, and Asian Paula called it the most gracious waltz she’d even seen.  What?!!!

Oh well.  It was a fun night, and I’m looking forward to this season.  There seem to be some folks with good potential this year, so the later rounds should be fun.  Like last season, the talent seems to mostly be on the ladies’ side, though I wouldn’t overlook the Little Sausage That Could.

Elimination Prediction: Master P is out

Bold “Who’s Going To Win” Prediction Made After Seeing Only The First Show: the hottie rasslin’ chick.  She’s tall, athletic, and apparently graceful.  My money’s on her.