Dancing With The Stars – Season 2, Ep. 4

The competition heated up tonight as we hit the midway point of DWTS.  On to the review….

George Hamilton – So I love GH.  We all know this.  But my man kinda looks he was left in the microwave a few minutes too long, doesn’t he?  The Zorro bit tonight is funny, but I’m afraid we’re getting to that point where personality is not going to be enough.  I think the judges are feeling me too.  No wait….that’s just me feeling me.  (awkward pause)  Anyway, since it seems the Master P suck juggernaut can’t be stopped, this might be GH’s night to go.

A quick aside about co-host Samantha Harris.  As I’ve said, I like her SO much better than last year’s Dunkelman.  But one quibble: her eyebrows are kinda starting to freak me out.  I’m worried that Bert might sue for copyright infringement.

Tia Carrere – I dug the open where we got to see Max’s dance class.  I wish I had the crazy legs like that one kid did.  And +1 cool for the other kid telling Tia that he’s legal.  I’m digging this performance.  Tia might be a dark horse in the making.  She’s becoming more graceful as the weeks go on.

Master P – The Unintentional Comedy Duo keeps taking us to new heights, as this week P travels to Utah and meets Ashly’s family.  P takes time out to break bread with the DelGrosso’s, all 17 of them, including her dad, Burt Reynolds.  They all look excited to have him there, as do the other Utes who meet P on the street, which is puzzling to me since I thought black people were illegal in Utah.  It turns out Ashly told everyone he was Karl Malone, so there’s no need to call the authorities. 

Oh, and then there was yet another terrible performance.  Afterwards in the interviews, Bert is bringing the heat.  Suddenly she’s Katie Couric.  From her barrage of tough questions, we find out that P has only contributed 20 hours TOTAL since the show began, whereas most of the other celebs have put in over 130.  The judges respond by dropping a 8 of 30 on them.  P reminds us that only God can judge him.  Then God shows up and gives him a -7.

Stacy Keibler – Since Stacy is my new girlfriend, AG is still rooting for her to fall and hurt something, for those of you scoring at home.  A quick note about the outfit tonight: yowza.  Great performance.  She almost has an unfair advantage because she’s so long and graceful.  It’s like what people say about me sometimes in my bowling league.  Or something.  The judges give 25 points to my girl.  AG is pissed.  She doesn’t want Stacy to be in first place.  Just so you know, AG’s bitter jealousy upon seeing the score caused her to actually say, “I have a lot riding on the Sausage now.” 

I’ll wait here while you read that last sentence again…….

Right then.  Moving on….

Drew LaSausage – This week we find Drew struggling to bring out his inner matador, whatever the hell that means.  I get over this quickly because they are dancing to “Thriller!!!”  Cool capework at the beginning, Sausage.  AWESOME!!!  Just as I’m getting ready to write how I hope they do the zombie walk from the video, they DO IT!  Great times.  This is good stuff.  Very entertaining.  In other news, no one besides Michael Jackson should ever sing “Thriller.”  Ever.  I’m serious.  Nice score from the judges.  Ashley’s ride on the Sausage was apparently a success.

In another side note, Tom Bergeron is freaking hilarious and doing another great job this year.  He’s on fire tonight.  Between the wiretapping joke and telling us Drew came out during practice carrying Webster, this might be his best episode yet.

Jerry Rice – Jerry’s pissed, and he’s not going to take it anymore.  In the open we see Anna taking Jerry to ballet class, taught by a very twee little man.  I’m not sure what to think of this, especially since this makes Jerry decide that he “still has that fire”.  Right. 

As for the perfomrance, I feel like I need to copy-paste my remarks from last week and the week before.  Kinda stiff.  Still carrying the drinks across the bar.  I didn’t really dig this.  Of course the judges liked it, though Len and Bruno seem ready to break into a bitch fight over Jerry’s posture.  And I’m stupid.

Lisa Rinna – Lisa’s hair is much improved this time around.  She must’ve listened when the 80s called last week and asked for it back.  Speaking of the 80s….”The Final Countdown?”   Seriously?  I think this performance is cheezy, though I really can’t concentrate on it because of the song.  I feel like I’m on a cruise ship.  I have no idea what happened.  The judges seem to like it.  I’m still trying to order a Bahama Mama. 

Though I’m still a bit hazy from the Europe-induced stupor, I did notice something important both before and after the dance.  It’s the Harry Hamlin “Is Louis van Amstel Banging My Wife?” face.  AG seems to think yes.  I don’t think Louis plays for that team.

Okay, so the LR portion of this review is getting a bit long, but in case she gets dumped this week I want to share one last tidbit with you.  If you’re like me, you’ve looked at Lisa’s fake rack and asked yourself, “Has Lisa been in Playboy?”  And if you’re even more like me – you know, driven by research and the pursuit of knowledge and stuff - you searched the web and discovered that Lisa was indeed in Playboy….when she was pregnant.  And then you threw up a little bit in your mouth. 

America votes out: Master P.  I think the judges’ 8 is the death knell for Karl Malone.  Utah is going to be pissed.