Dancing With The Stars

Before we get into the commentary tonight, did anyone see this week’s “TV Guide” that slammed Bert for being just as vapid as last year’s Dunkelman?  It seems that the DWTS producers read it.  Bert is getting mad camera time tonight, and is totally overplaying it.  She’s contorting her face like Jim Carrey trying to show us how damn interesting she can be.  Whatever. 

Jerry Rice – This week we find Jerry at the Super Bowl.  We get to see his fans do the awkward “I can’t believe Jerry Rice is doing this to himself” face while still deciding that they probably want his autograph.  Anna informs Jerry that he needs to cram a quarter up his ass to do this week’s dance.  I thought he’d been doing that all along. 

I don’t really like the Paso Doble.  I don’t get the whole bull riding thing.  This performance is no different.  The cheezy costumes, the awkward movements.  It’s like bad porn… or at least what I read bad porn is probably like for folks that are in to that.   

The judges seem to actually dig the performance for once, though backstage things are still the same.  Bert continues to make her eyeballs pop out of her head.  Jerry continues to wear his boyfriend’s varsity ring on his necklace and subtly remind us that he used to play football.  23/30 from the judges.

Drew Lachey – In the open, Drew laments that the reason his shoulders always seem to be up is because he’s stumpy.  Duh, I could’ve told you that.  Sausage, anyone?  Hello?  Thankfully Cheryl gets Drew to move his chin a certain way and suddenly all is right with the world.  Of course, I’m confused.

Nick shows up to Drew’s practice with Drew’s wife, who is apparently giving birth to a rhinocerous soon.  After some not-so-witty banter that appears kind of staged – is Nick wearing make-up? – Drew is free to leave practice to watch the Super Bowl.

Tonight’s performance is really good, as usual.  I can’t believe the house band is singing that Black Eyed Peas “Shut Up” song.  Somewhere Fergie is hearing what her part is supposed to sound like for the first time.  The judges are loving it, of course.  10s all around! 

George Hamilton – George is getting some professional help with his moves this week from Season One champ, Alex Mazo.  This is AG’s boyfriend.  She repeatedly reminds me how much she likes the way he looks.  I guess this is a just payback for my Stacy worship.

I really like this performance, especially all the shaking at the end.  (Thanks, Edyta.)  This was very entertaining, despite a lack of actual dancing.  Les is keeping it real again, calling them out for not dancing.  Did Les say they were flatulating?  Decent scores from the judges, putting George in a tie with Jerry.  Good for George, bad for Jerry.

Lisa Rinna – Another week, another dance that Lisa can’t master to the point that she cries.  Of course, like every week, this problem is solved by hiring someone totally unrelated to dancing to make it all better.  This time a 300-year old etiquette teacher shows Lisa how to sip tea with her freak lips, balance a book on her 80s hair, and get in and out of a carriage without upsetting her corset.  I don’t get it. 

AG thinks Lisa dances like a horse, so she’s convinced this quick step is going to be ultra-hilarious.  She’s disappointed, as Lisa and Louis actually do a pretty good job.  The judges seem to dig it too.  So far Lisa is winning this season’s Kelly Monaco “Most Improved“ award.  She gets better each week.

Stacy Keibler – So I’ve been waiting to see what’s going on under that overcoat since the show started.  AG has been dreading it.  Thinking that Stacy needs some motivation, Tony has the great idea to take her out to see what a bunch of horny guys think of their performance.  Surprisingly, the army dudes who haven’t seen a woman in 14 months really really liked it.  Strange. 

This is another great performance.  The “what’s underneath the overcoat“ mystery was worth the wait.  AG is seething.  She just informed me that “she’s going to have to fly out there and Tonya Harding her ass”.  Her words, not mine.  I think it’s time to hide the billy clubs.  If any of you give AG Jeff Gillooly’s phone number, we can’t be friends anymore.

Group Dance – I wasn’t going to comment on this part because I couldn’t keep up with the one they did last week, but I really enjoyed this, especially the solos.  I dug all the cool lifts and flips, especially the one that Lisa and Louis did.  I thought Jerry and Anna did a nice job too.  Not much of note from the judges afterwards.  Of course Bruno took another opportunity to tell Stacy how awesome she is.  Loser. 

This season has shaped up to be a big improvement over the last.  I think the dancing is much better.  I could do without Bruno, who’s starting to get on my nerves a bit yelling at Asian Paula and hitting on my girlfriend, but overall I think it’s pretty entertaining.

America Votes Out: Jerry