Dancing With The Stars Finale

So here we are at the finale, I think.  I thought the finale was on Thursday, but I’m not sure.  I’m confused.

We start by meeting the stars all over again.  Everybody gets to run out on the floor for a second and show off while the band plays “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”.  It reminds me of being at a wedding reception where the wedding party, already kinda drunk, is introduced to “Whoomp, There it Is.”  Tatum looks like she’s high.  Awesome.  I think Lisa and Louis are doing it.  I’m serious. 

Now we’ve learned that there is still one dance left that is only judged by the professional judges.  They just won’t let this thing die, will they?  How much weight does this last score carry?  Why did America bother to vote on Thursday if the judges can essentially do whatever they want at the end?  Now of course, if this is the “let’s make sure Jerry doesn’t win and disgrace DWTS” fail-safe, then I’m cool with all of it.

And what would a reality show finale be without tons of useless filler. 

I’ll wait again while we skip past this….

Finally, back to the (allegedly) final dances.

Jerry Rice – Nice intro.  I’m excited.  Jerry is all pumped up.  I’m pumped up.  Let’s see if they can back it up.  Well, we’re getting a lot of Anna and not much Jerry.  He’s kinda standing around a lot, but the performance was still pretty fun.  The judges are being very complimentary.  Truth be told, I’m very impressed with how far Jerry has come since the beginning.  I still think Lisa and Louis would have been a better choice for the finals, but oh well.  Maybe the FCC couldn’t stomach it.    The scores are coming in…. 9s all around?!!  I don’t think I agree with that at all.  Those were supposed to be complimentary thanks-for-playing scores, like maybe a 9 and a few 8s.  This could get interesting.

Stacy Keibler – The intro reminds us of how Stacy and Tony stunk it up in the freestyle on Thursday.  We find out that Stacy is injured, but we don’t know how it happened.  Strangely, AG is looking up at the ceiling and whistling while rolling her eyes.  How odd.  Now it’s time for some samba to “Livin’ La Vida Loca”.  This is super fast.  AG is not loving it, but I thought it was pretty good.  The judges are giving up some mad, mad love to Stacy, but didn’t have much to say about the performance itself.  After the break, we see that Stacy has regained her form.  A perfect 30.

Drew Lachey – In the intro, things are not starting off well.  Drew’s bright idea for the last day of practice is to go eat Mexican?  How many good plans started off with “well, first we went to go eat some Mexican”?  I’m nervous.  Turns out it’s for no reason.  THis is a great performance.  A nice jive to “You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog”.  Great tempo and energy, and a cool jump over Cheryl to end it all.  Outstanding job, Sausage.  How far you have come!  Much love from the judges.  Let’s hope they back it up with the scores. 

Wow….they don’t.  27?!!  AG has just declared shennanigans.  The judges were praising Drew for taking chances each week and pushing the envelope, which he’s done, but they give Stacy a 30 for doing the same thing she’s been doing all along?  Not cool.  At least Drew is still in first place by one point.

Well, kids, it all comes down to this.  A whole season of competition and a frenzied week of dancing all culminates here.  At this point, there’s only one thing that could take the crowd to that final stage of nirvana.  That’s right, dance fans…. Mary J. Blige signing while some people salsa.  YEAH!!!!

I’ll wait a moment while we all bask in our underwhelmed-ness together.  Mmmmm.  Feel the, uh…. ordinary.

Now it’s time to kick somebody off as the show announces the third place celebrity.  Who will it be? 

It’s STACY!!!!

Holy crap.  Please stay with me.  It’s hard to type with AG doing cartwheels around the room and knocking stuff over.  There’s a touching little tribute to….

…..

…sorry about that.  AG knocked the laptop out of my hands doing the cabbage patch.  My bad.  Anyway, see ya later, Stacy.  Call me. 

And now back to some filler.  More snippets of the earlier celebs dancing with their partners for one last go around.  Pretty ho hum stuff, though it is fun to be reminded of how purely dreadful Master P was.  Good times.

We return from break to see a close-up shot of the DWTS Trophy.  I had forgotten what an unmitigated turd that thing is.  It’s a bowling trophy with a disco ball glued on top of it.  Are they going to send this thing out to Joe’s Sporting Goods tomorrow to engrave the winner’s name on it?  How can I find these things out?

After some more dancing from the also-rans and some mind-numbing Q&A, Bert informs us that when we come back we’ll be hearing “one of the greatest singers of all time”.  You know, Mary J. Blige.   Riiiiiiggggghhhhhhht.

It’s now 9:30.  I’ve been sitting here for over 90 minutes and I just want to know who won.  This is just being strung out WAYYYY to long.  American Idol thinks this is taking a long time.

And finally….25 minutes later…. we.. get… to… the…. winner….

DREW!!!  Hooray.  I think America has made a good choice.

Thanks to all of you who read the recaps this season, with a special shout-out to the Hunters in Shelby for checking in every week.  I appreciate it.

See you next time.