Gas-Free Beans?!!!

CNN brings us the horrific story of some scientists who have discovered how to engineer beans that don’t make you fart.  What the hell is that all about?  This is just wrong on so many levels.

For starters, doesn’t anyone want to cure cancer anymore?  Isn’t that why parents send their kids to college?  Don’t people still get AIDS and bird flu and stuff?  Who honestly sits down and decides that “the more you eat, the more you toot” is a problem so big that some of the planet’s scientific resources must be dedicated to solving it?

And what if this research is taken to its logical conclusion?  What if the knowledge gained here is applied to other foods?  What if…..  I don’t think I can even bring myself to say it…. what if farting was wiped off the face of the earth?

What would 12-year old boys find to laugh about at slumber parties?  How would spouses torment each other?  What would be left to blame on the dog?  What would become of the best scene in one of the best movies ever made?  Most importantly: what would I ever laugh about ever again?

Like microwave french fries and Fergie’s nasty grill, this is clearly a case of science run amok.  Just because you can do something doesn’t necessarily mean that you should. 

I think we can all agree that the logical thing to do here is put these so-called scientists and their work in a rocket, fire them into the sun, and forget that this whole crazy thing ever happened. 

In the meantime, how about some more beans, Mr. Taggart?