I Will End You

image credit: smason, via Flickr

A French university has released a study concluding what I have long suspected: you should never, ever, under any circumstances mess with me because - as a left-hander - I will kick your ass.

The study says that we southpaws have the advantage in brawlin’. It also says we have the advantage in fencing, tennis, and baseball; three sports which I of course never took up. Way to think it through, Jamie.

No, instead I had to play basketball. Spoiler: I always dribble to my left because I have no handle. Spoiler #2: If going to the left doesn’t work, I go to the left some more. It’s true. Ask Jigga.

So back to this ass-kickin’ thing: If you look past the fact that this report on fighting was conducted by a French university and that I’m more likely to defend myself in a fight by hoping my opponent won’t want to hit a guy in the back as he’s running away and crying like a little girl, then I think it’s safe to conclude that I’m a friggin’ bad-ass and you should step the hell off.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to Dick’s Sporting Goods to buy a racket, a catcher’s mitt, a foil, a croissard, a plastron, and a mask.