Animal Revolution
I think we might all be in big trouble.
While driving home from the gym this morning, I passed a deer on the very edge of the road. Now deer aren’t terribly uncommon around here, but when you do see them, they are usually running away from. Not this one. She was just chilling by the side of the road, half-heartedly grazing, but mostly just watching the traffic go by like it was her job. She seemed to look right at me as I drove by, bobbing her head ever so slightly upward as if to say, “Sup, playa?”.
The whole scene was strange, but I blew it off. She was probably sick, or injured, or got into some bad meth or something, right? Who knows? I was ready to forget the whole thing when I came upon a rabbit along the side of the road. He was doing the same thing: just sitting there, watching the cars go by. The rabbit wasn’t playing it as cool as the deer was. He had a shifty look in his eyes, like he was up to no good. You know how rabbits are.
I thought it was odd to see two different animals doing pretty much the same thing within a mile of each other, but I still didn’t think much of it until I saw the ground hog. Standing by the road. Watching the cars go by. Now this is definitely nothing new in our neck of the woods. There are tons of ground hogs around here that like to hang out by the road. And where a deer or rabbit might usually run away, with a ground hog it’s 50/50. Sometimes they’ll run, but sometimes they’ll just take a step forward and flex on you, like, “What? What you lookin’ at, bitch? I’ll kick your punk ass if you don’t keep driving that car and get the hell up out of here.” You know how ground hogs can be.
So at this point my rationalization engines are in full gear. I have a meth-addled deer, most likely a scared rabbit, and a ground hog just doing his thing. All standing by the road. All watching the cars go by. All things that I could easily explain away… at least until I saw the duck.
The duck was standing no more than 10 feet from the ground hog. Standing by the road. Watching the cars go by. To my knowledge, ground hogs and ducks are not historically homies. Ground hogs like to sit by the road and chew on rocks and flex on cars as they roll by. Ducks like to swim around and dress up like sailors and speak with a lisp and have best friends that are giant talking mice. You know how ducks roll.
So why would a duck be hanging out with a ground hog, standing by the road, watching the cars go by? And why would they both be doing the exact same thing as the bunny and the deer no less than a mile away?
I’ll tell you why: I think we’re about to be attacked. I think that there’s been a wildlife revolution brewing for years and now it’s upon us. All of nature’s critters are tired of being pushed around by us humans, and now it’s time for a little payback. I think the four animals I drove past this morning weren’t just random varmints, but rather the front line in a new war; a war the likes of which we’ve never seen.
I’m kinda freaked out. I didn’t even talk to my guinea pig when I got back to my house. We’ve started putting up this little tent thing in the corner of his cage so he can have some privacy, and I’m scared that he might be hiding a Glock or a switchblade or something in there. You know how guinea pigs do.
No, I came right home and started writing this blizzog post to warn you, the fair and gentle blizzog reader, of the impending animal revolution. Prepare to meet your new beast overlords!
After reading this whole thing thoroughly, I think you might be the one strung out on meth. Twenty bucks says if we found the guy driving behind you, he wouldn’t have seen a single animal, but did notice a crazy guy in front of him continuously pointing at the side of the road and freaking out.
Are you going to tell me next that you freaked out when you saw an itty bitty Escort on the highway with a sign that said “WIDE LOAD” and laughed, but the next vehicle was a house??
I have yet another theory…maybe they are simply tracking YOUR movements in order to better ascertain your schedule thus attack at the most effective time and place for greatest impact. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR GUINEA PIG MISTER?
Maybe your guinea pig is actually a mole placed in your home to spy on you. Do you know who you need? You need that guy from that ’80’s movie ‘Beastmaster.’ I bet he could be a diplomat in this brewing war. I’m sure that he’s not busy doing other movies, unless they’re making a ‘V’ reunion.
Ummm…there will be no ‘V’ reunion. We were talking about it at the Harry Potter convention this weekend. I’ll make you a bet. If you win, I’ll give you my comic books and move out of my parents basement. If I win, you have to tell me what a boob looks like in person (not just pictures).
send me a machine gun
heh..makes a pretty funny story,fake or real
come to think of it, it may be real….last week i was i my room watchin tv when i saw a squerrel sitting in the tree outside my window,staring….
i shook it off,but five minutes later, it was still there,so iwent to my window…….and the friggin thing jumped at the window, hit it and fell(my rooms on the 2nd floor),then my dogs got it……..
wierd right
i have the same problem with animals the only diffrence is they attack me -_- yeah i had a rabbit its was normal when i was with other ppl but when i was alone with him he attacked me i have never seen rabbit teath be for untill now i have ben attacked jumped at from the floor to my bed i hade to smak it away i even had it check out for raybees geese attacked me wasp follow me around birds dive at me cats claw me no joke cats come up to me and hiss a claw me!! the only animals that seem to like me at all are gold fish and my dogs they actuly chase off other animals away from me! its sooo strange
sick pic< that ryhmed!
lol
I think you’re on to something. A small community in Northern Wisconsin was recently invaded by a small detachment of American bison. Luckily, the bison were routed by well equipped local hunters.
Hi all. I might just use this on my show! But only in our time of dire need.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………the only time a animal attacked me was a dog, chiwawa or something……………he peed on my pants………………………………….